The Allium Top Tips For Scientists and Engineers
Save time with grants and papers by writing yourself a rejection letter immediately.
Ensure career success by being born as a white European or American Male.
Prevent your lab mates from stealing your solutions when you take a vacation by smashing all your solution bottles into pieces before you go away.
Avoid having to retract your paper by actually doing honest science in the first place.
Evil scientists: If James Bond ever finds your secret laboratory, shoot him in the head immediately and definitely under no circumstances should you ever give him a tour of your experimental setup or indeed leave him in the company of any beautiful female researchers.
Big-boned conference attendees: At the conference buffet, increase the chances that your overloaded paper plate of food will go undetected if you remember not to hum, whistle or sing with delight.
Engineers: instantly develop designer stubble by sucking on a strong magnet and dipping your chin in some iron filings.
Don’t waste money on expensive microscopes. Instead move your head closer to the object you wish to view.
Reduce lab expenses by refusing to buy expensive printers, instead write out your manuscripts on paper using a pen and submit them to the journal by post. This also improves your chances of getting the paper published, since you will have provided “the personal touch”.
Disguise the fact that you have fabricated your data by making up some pretty ordinary results.
Invent a lipstick that helps you to lose weight. Call it super-glue.
Avoid having unlucky graduate students in your research group by throwing half the applications into the trash.
When listening to your favorite radio station in the lab, turn up the sound three notches and then immediately turn it down again to save time for the A*****e in the lab with no taste in music.
Grad students: Get a taste of being a lab boss by finding some half-wit, know-it-all to send you passive-aggressive emails at ridiculous hours of the day or night.
Always keep a large potato in the lab wrapped in foil. Then if an experiment goes wrong and the lab burns down, you will have a nice tasty baked potato as a small consolation.
Get the best out of grad students and post-docs by publicly berating them in lab meetings. The best people respond really well to this kind of treatment.
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