The United Nations has responded urgently to address the calamitous crisis in British science by setting up a series of soup kitchens in devastated universities around Britain, such as those in Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh and Imperial College.
A charity text number has been set up that can be used to automatically donate money.
Simply text “You poor, poor, poor chaps” to 1800-SOUP-4-OXBRIDGE
One scientist told us that because of fears of what might happen post-Brexit, he bought a load of enzymes and now his freezer is too small to fit everything in.
He implored us to please send more freezers urgently, particularly the ones with those nice LED displays.
Some scientists are reported to be considering making agarose gels using a substance called “buffer” and agarose powder, instead of buying the pre-made gels.
Others are saying that because their illumina sequencers are all beside the window, there is a very, very bright shine off them and they need to wear sunglasses in order to just load their samples. Thankfully, because it is Britain, there is almost no sun.
It is literally the Law of The Jungle Here. Survival Of The Fittest.
The most extreme case that has been reported is that a new Spanish post-doc in Oxford just wants to talk and talk and doesn’t realise what the problem is.
“We are getting no respite here”, said our source.