Manhattan, New York – In a rally today in downtown New York, attended by 10,000 worshipers, Donald Trump carefully laid a live climate scientist onto a marble slab, before crashing his hand through his chest cavity, ripping out his still-beating heart and eating it live on television.
Pollsters have indicated a surge in support for Trump, mostly from undecideds who felt, up to now, that trump was “too much of a wuss”.
The Allium interviewed Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight for his opinion on how this will affect Mr Trump’s chances of being elected to the white house.
“The issue for Mr. Trump is how many climate scientists he can successfully find and capture between now and election time”, said Mr. Silver.
“If he manages to eat the beating hearts of seventeen more scientists, then he has a 65.4% chance of becoming president, however, if he only manages to immolate sixteen climate change evangelists, then his chances go right down to 51.1% and the margin of error on that estimate is 4.2%. Therefore, this presidential race will really hinge on how wily the climate scientists turn out to be.”
“However, as you know, Mr. Trump has considerable resources and it is pretty likely that he will be able to find all seventeen.”
“Nonetheless, these are tense times for Mr. Trump.”
The Allium will be following this story over the coming weeks, please call back for updates.