Sources have confirmed that The Center for Stupidity Control (CSC), a top secret unit of the Center for Disease Control (CDC), has been directed to go into rapid response and high-alert mode.
An unreliable internal source has said that CSC intelligence officers have been dispatched across the USA in an effort to contain the hitherto unknown pathogen which has been safely isolated in an ivory tower for the past 70 years.
Following its recent escape however, it appears to have mutated into a unique form of stupidity.
The CSC has determined that the pathogen is exceedingly virulent; transmission is frighteningly propagative, says the source. Given its propensity for mutation, the R-0 (pronounced “are not”) cannot be specifically determined. The source states that the pathogen’s behavior resembles that of the am-2 retrovirus, but unlike the latter, the former may rely on, or exploit a genetic predisposition to stupidity.
The first case was identified at 725 5th street in New York city 12 months ago but has subsequently spread throughout the country. Best estimates are that close to 50% of the population are now infected; the organism is being referred to as Candidatus deplorabensis.
Barack Obama is expected to make a public address shortly and warn citizens to avoid exposure to specified social media platforms, Fox News and other outlets held by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. The propagative vector appears to be snippites. The best defence against infection is prophylaxis. If you feel you might be in proximity to known vectors, hold your hands over your ears while simultaneously and continuously mouthing LA LA LA LA LA. This has been demonstrated to be at least 50% effective.
Those previously identified as being susceptible to logical inconsistency or family members that are known to have displayed these symptoms in the past are most at risk and should be urged to seek immediate medical attention.
CSC investigators have positively identified clusters in states and cities known to have displayed signs of institutionalized misogyny, racism, homophobia, animal abuse, excessive consumption of Big Gulps, canned beer; an unnatural affinity for lifted 4×4’s, confederate flags, or T shirts with odd, poorly informed, politically motivated slogans.
Our source indicates there is a strong positive correlation between infection and reality television.
This represents a super cluster.
There have been isolated but unconfirmed reports of infection in Canada, Britain, Australia and numerous European states. CSC officials are working closely with their counterparts in these countries.
More news to follow…