Spanish government announces cull of scientists

Madrid – Today the Spanish government, alarmed at the misery and suffering of scientists in third level institutions in Spain, have announced that they are to kill several thousand of them in an effort to ameliorate their pain.

A spokesperson for the spanish government said that this new initiative was being implemented because in recent years the government had been seeing Spanish scientists in extreme anguish, walking the streets with hollowed cheeks, their mouths hanging open, their eyes black and full of despair.

“It is much kinder at this stage”, said the spokesperson “to simply kill most of them – to put them out of their misery”.

“A few years ago, we pretended that we would re-float the Spanish economy by using the high-value knowledge society – Biotechnology, Information Technology, Spying, etc. – however, now that we can no longer keep up the pretence, we must simply get rid of the scientists and hope that our new German overlords return and start another property boom, somewhere near Barcelona”.

“In order to implement this program quickly and with the least possible expense, we are asking the scientists to help out.  It is a two-stage process, the first stage is to fill in the necessary forms and in the second stage, we ask that they impale themselves on a sword that is just inside the door of the Ministry of Science and Technology in Madrid”.

“Spanish scientists spend most of their time filling in forms, anyway, so the first part shouldn’t be much of a problem for them”, said the spokesperson.

“The second stage is optional – we can, of course, provide bullets to shoot the scientists, but this is additional expense and it would be really unpatriotic for a scientist to cause more expense for the country in this time of crisis”, said the government spokesperson as he sipped his French Champagne and munched down on a German Schnitzel.

“Therefore, we ask that the scientists comply with our wish for the less expensive option and if possible if they could organise for the removal of the body afterwards, that would be superb”.

“It is much kinder at this stage”, said the spokesperson “to simply kill most of them – to put them out of their misery”.

“The first phase of the program will start within months and will target post-docs and early-stage faculty – those who have the least hope of ever having a career in Spain”.

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