NSF Train Elite Force of Grant Reviewers Equipped with 50 ways of Rejecting Grants

Arlington VA – The National Science Foundation have confirmed to The Allium that they are in the process of training an elite force of grant reviewers that will be capable of rejecting every single grant proposal they ever see, even the ones from Harvard.

Director of the NSF, Dr. France A. Córdova confirmed to The Allium that the new training program was at bootcamp stage right now and the first of the raw recruits are reported to be doing well, having taken the four foundation-level training programs –  “Special-Ops Grant Rejection”, “Rejection Black Arts”, “Ninja Rejection 101” and “Kitten Drowning”.

“We didn’t just pick any old scientists for this elite force”, said Dr. Córdova, “These were personally hand-picked, people that already had hundreds of grant proposal kills under their belts”.

“We approached them and told them that because they were the meanest of the mean, they were going to Top Gun”.

“They can’t tell their families, they can’t tell their colleagues, we put them through intense psychological training, telling them backstories about some of the scientists that have submitted the grants – how they are kind to animals, charitable people with sick family relatives”.

“We are proud to say that so far not one of our elite trainees has cracked under pressure and so far there is a 100% rejection rate”.

“We couldn’t be more proud”.

 

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