Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon confirmed earlier today that an American grant proposal had been brutally hacked to death by an unknown terrorist, known only as Reviewer 3.
In a statement released through the United Nations press office, Mr Ban said “Our thoughts are with the investigator who gave birth to this proposal, we understand it is a particularly difficult time and we hope that there is some small comfort in knowing that Reviewers 1 and 2 were reasonably positive about the proposal.”
The brutal nature of the hacking has shocked colleagues in the coffee room and several of the investigator’s friends read the comments with furrowed brows, while making lots of “tut tut” noises and occasionally saying encouraging, really helpful things like “I can’t believe they wrote that”, and “that’s ridiculous”, and “clearly reviewer 3 is an idiot and didn’t understand the proposal at all”.
One colleague who read the review and said it was “harsh but fair” is no longer welcome in the coffee room and is currently the subject of a lot of passive-aggressive behavior.
However, despite this show of solidarity and delusion, the grant is now deceased, gone to the great grant trash can in the sky, it has passed on! It is is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace!