Science Life

Grad Student “Delighted” To Have Won Imaginary Argument With Thesis Advisor

Grad student Otto Glass said today that he was “completely over the moon” after winning a huge imaginary argument with his thesis advisor early yesterday morning. “I don’t like to boast or anything, but I must say I did very well in the argument”, said Mr Glass. “In the beginning he was trying the old “I know more than you” tactic, but …

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Evolutionist Loses It As Colleague Conflates Homology and Similarity Yet Again

Dr. Constance Noring shot and killed her microbiology colleague and formerly good friend, Dr. Dan Deline when, for the umpteenth time he used the word homology when he really should have said similarity. “He was completely grinding my gears”, said Dr. Noring. “Know what he said? Want to know what he said?  He said that he was comparing two paralogous DNA sequences …

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Microsoft Make Dramatic Entry To Genomic Sequencing Business With Purchase Of 454

Seattle – Microsoft dramatically announced today that they were entering the [thirstylink linkid=”1729″ linktext=”genome sequencing business” class=”thirstylink” title=”genome sequencing business”] with the purchase of 454 Life Sciences from Roche Diagnostics for $140,000,000,000,000. “We have big plans for this iconic brand”, said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “We are going to pair it with an upgraded Windows Vista Operating System and we plan …

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Fight Breaks Out at #AGBT15 Over Color Of Genome Sequencer

BREAKING: News has just reached The Allium that a fight has broken out today at the 16th annual Advances in Genome Biology and Technology (AGBT) meeting  in Marco Island, Florida. The fight broke out at the 10X Genomics stand over whether or not the genome sequencer was white and gold in color or whether it is actually blue and black. News from …

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Professor Delighted Grad Student Understands At Least 17% Of Advice

Earlier today, grad student Duane Pipe confirmed that he understood just over 17% of the advice that his thesis advisor had given him that morning. This new record did not go unnoticed by thesis advisor, Professor Anita Beer, who expressed her unbridled joy at this new level of understanding between them. “Usually, Duane understands between 4 and 11% of what …

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Grad Student Diagnosed With Early-Onset Thesis Fear

Graduate student Corey Ander was diagnosed earlier today with a rare but debilitating case of early-onset [thirstylink linkid=”1721″ linktext=”Thesis Fear” class=”thirstylink” title=”Thesis Fear”]. Mr. Ander, who started his [thirstylink linkid=”1705″ linktext=”doctoral studies” class=”thirstylink” title=”doctoral studies”] four months ago is one of the earliest ever cases known to modern science. Speaking with The Allium Mr. Ander said that he had begun to notice …

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Anti-Vax Scandal: Queen’s University Just Happy To Be In The News

Queen’s University, Ontario, Canada – currently in the spotlight following an allegation that one of their staff members was giving anti-vaccination lectures in Health Class – has revealed that it is just happy to actually be in the news for once. A spokesperson for the university said “Heck, we are delighted with the fact that we are now number 1 …

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Pope Says It’s OK To Smack Your Graduate Student

Pope Francis says it is OK to smack your [thirstylink linkid=”1705″ linktext=”graduate students” class=”thirstylink” title=”graduate students”] to discipline them — as long as their dignity is maintained. The Pope outlined the traits of a good thesis advisor — one who forgives but is able to “correct with firmness” while not discouraging the grad student. The pope said: “One time, I heard a thesis …

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God Reckons Stephen Fry Was His “Worst Creation Ever”

In an exclusive interview today with The Allium, God has revealed that he could not be more pissed off that he created Stephen Fry. “Worst. Idea. Ever.” said God, when asked about Fry. “I thought I was making a funny clever guy that would pop up every now and again and say something pithy and interesting.” “Instead, there he is now …

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Study Reveals Alarming Number Of Professors Still Think University Values Them

Washington, DC – A study published today has revealed that an alarming number of University [thirstylink linkid=”1732″ linktext=”Professors” class=”thirstylink” title=”Professors”] still believe that their university cares for them and values them as people. The study, which was carried out over a period of ten minutes at coffee today showed that 80% of professors thought that the [thirstylink linkid=”1711″ linktext=”university” class=”thirstylink” …

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