Science Life

Academic’s Prospects For Promotion Mostly Depend on Colleagues Dying

In an interview with The Allium, academic Dr. Pat Downe conceded that his best chances for promotion now lay with the untimely death of some of his colleagues. “I’ve tried everything else, I have published papers, directed undergraduate degree programs, been awarded grants, attended conferences and so forth, and nothing seems to matter to the Human Resources department in my university.” …

Read More »

Scientist’s Career Dies After 4-Year Battle With Grant Proposal

London, UK – Investigator, Candace Spencer’s career, passed away this morning after a 4-year battle with a crappy grant proposal. Dr. Spencer, who kept her battle a secret from her colleagues, was having her career mourned by her family and friends yesterday. “Day in, day out, she would get up in the morning and steel herself for the battle ahead of her”, …

Read More »

PhD Student To Kill Next Person That Asks If She Has Started Writing Up Yet

Graduate student Anita Lay has confirmed to The Allium that she is about to kill whoever is the next person that asks her if she has started writing up her thesis yet. She was asked this question fourteen times so far this week and 17 times last week. “Thats a total of 31 people that will never know how close they …

Read More »

GWAS Study Finds Increased Risk Of Death Among Older People

Bethesda – One of the largest genome surveys to date has found a significant contributing factor to a risk of death. The study – one of the largest ever undertaken – compared a large cohort of case-control matches, with the only difference between the two cohorts being that one was alive, while the other was dead. “It was a bit …

Read More »

Microbiome Researcher Also Fan Of Guns And Roses

Today it was revealed that a microbiome researcher is a fan of Guns and Roses and has been since the 1980s. He is not a huge fan, he just likes them. He also told The Allium that he likes a game of trivial pursuit – the classic game, not the regional ones or the specialist ones – and he likes a cup …

Read More »

To Ensure Balance, TV Vaccine Debates Must Include Complete Lunatic, Says Government

Washington DC – The Senate announced today that they will pass a bill into law that obliges all TV companies to ensure balance in the vaccine debate, by including a complete raving lunatic along with a rational scientist to present both sides of the debate. Republican Senator, Jim Shorts, told The Allium that he was not sure how to vote for …

Read More »

Outrage As Conference WIFI Goes Down, Forcing Delegates To Talk To Each Other

Portland OR – There was outrage this morning at a conference in Portland, Oregon as the conference venue WIFI went down for more than two hours, forcing delegates to spend most of that time speaking with one another. “It was frightening”, said one delegate “I mean, I have communicated with people at conferences before, but only on twitter” “To be honest, …

Read More »

Study Reveals 95% Reduction In Snobbery From Next-Gen Sequencer Owners Now That They Are So Common

Smug

A study by the Anthropology department at Harvard has shown that in 2014 there was a 95% reduction in snobbery from the owners of next-generation DNA sequencing machines. The study observed owners of sequencing machines while they interacted with other members of faculty. Lead Anthropologist on the study, Dr. Marsha Dimes, spoke to The Allium about the study. “We observed a …

Read More »

Kanye West To Publish Own Genome Sequence As “Gift To All Humanity”

Hollywood, CA – Singing legend and husband of adult movie star, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West announced today that he was going to make his genome sequence available as a gift for all humanity. “I believe humanity will be greatly improved by the knowledge that will be gained from my unique genome”, said Mr. West. “Studying genomes is one of my …

Read More »

Health and Safety Officer Putting Hazard Signs On Everything Just To Be Safe

Health and safety officer, Harry Pitts spent most of this week putting hazard signs on everything he could find, in an effort to “just keep everybody safe”. “To be honest, I have no idea what half these chemicals and machines are”, said Mr Pitts “but, what the heck, better to be safe than sorry, I say”. Mr Pitts had completed every …

Read More »