Science Life

Graduate Student Sets World Record For Giving Up All Hope

Graduate student Ms Robin Banks has claimed the world record for the time it has taken her to give up all hope on her PhD. Ms Banks from Poughkeepsie in New York set the record of four days, three hours and 24.5 minutes earlier today when she threw her hands in the air and screamed “I’m outta here, I can’t deal …

Read More »

Post-Doc Honestly Thinks He Is Getting Out Of The Lab Early This Evening

London, UK – Post-doc Marty Graw revealed to The Allium today that he honestly thinks he is getting out of the lab early tonight. “I am absolutely certain of this”, said Dr. Graw, “I couldn’t be more sure of anything.” “I have planned all my experiments today and I know every detail of what I am doing.” “The world is a fair …

Read More »

Pharmaceutical Company “Proud To Announce” 100 New Soul-Destroying Jobs

Philadelphia, PA – Global multinational pharmaceutical company Slackso Git-Climb said today that it was proud to announce the creation of 100 new high-value soul-crushing jobs. “These jobs will be secure and we are confident that they will be for life, or even longer”, said spokesperson Dr. Jed Dye. “The pharmaceutical industry is expanding on a daily basis, literally every day and Slackso …

Read More »

Biomedical Sciences Graduate Lands Dream Job Washing Lab Glassware

New Haven, CT- Recent biomedical sciences major, Crystal Claire Waters reported recently that she has finally found her dream job, washing lab glassware at a pharmaceutical company. Ms Waters told The Allium “I just cannot believe I have been able to land the job of my dreams”. “Since I was a small child, I dreamed of rinsing out graduated cylinders, scrubbing …

Read More »

Greek Post-Doc “Delighted” He Will Now Be Paid With Magic Beans

Athens – Greek post-doc Gianni Moustakas, revealed to The Allium today that was offered the option by the Greek government to either be paid by check or to be paid by a small bag of magic beans and he is delighted to say that he has chosen the “safer option” of a bag of magic beans. “There are seven lovely beans …

Read More »

Tragic Student Slips Into Coma During Genome Sequencing Lecture

Ithaca, New York – Tragic sophomore student June Bugg slipped into a coma earlier today with five minutes to go in her lecture on genome sequencing protocols.  She was brought to hospital, where doctors give her only a small chance of wanting to recover. Ms. Bugg was showing signs of discomfort when the lecturer started talking about bridge amplification, and at …

Read More »

Undergrad Student Didn’t Even Understand IFL Science Article She Just Shared

Toronto, Canada – Undergraduate student and science major, Laurel Ann Hardy admitted today that she didn’t even understand the “I F*&%$ng Love Science” article that she just shared on Facebook. “Well, it was on some big advance or other”, said Ms Hardy “So, I thought it would look good if my classmates could see how much I actually love science” …

Read More »

Undergrad’s Post-Exam Facebook Update Is Now Longer Than Exam Answers

London, UK – Facebook user and undergraduate student Dick Rasch updated his Facebook status early this morning with a comment that was 427 words longer than the longest exam essay he has written so far this year. In the status update, Mr Rasch gushed about how he had such a wonderful time this year and how he met such cool people …

Read More »

Disappointment as 4th Cousin Fails To Make Acknowledgements Section Of Thesis

There was disappointment this morning as it was revealed that the fourth cousin of doctoral candidate Annette Curtain did not make it to the acknowledgements page of her PhD thesis. The news was greeted with sadness, though some said it was inevitable that a few people would feel left out. Thesis advisor, Prof. Bill Ding, expressed his surprise at the exclusion. …

Read More »

CEO Of Monsanto Now “Only Eats One Baby Kitten A Day”

Monsanto CEO Eating Baby Kitten

CEO and Chairman of the Board of Monsanto, Mr Hugh Grant, has confirmed that for health reasons, he has decided to cut down to only eating one small baby kitten per day from now on. “Well, all the killing and eating of the baby kittens was getting a bit messy, not to mention what it was doing to my cholesterol …

Read More »