Science Life

Grad Student Sentenced To Death For Writing Entire Poster In Comic Sans

Athens, GA – Third-year grad student Rusty Doarr was yesterday sentenced to death by firing squad for writing his entire conference poster in Comic Sans font. The news has been met with widespread approval among the scientific community, with many people offering the opinion that “shooting was too good for him”. “This is the problem with our judicial system” said …

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Hostages Finally Free After Four-Hour Lab Ordeal

Fifty seven hostages were freed yesterday after enduring a gruelling, and at times sickening, four-hour practical at the hands of their captors. Police report that many of the hostages are “badly shaken”, but most seem unharmed though it may be some time before the true psychological effects of this lab practical are known. There were tears of joy at news …

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Wolf Reveals Embarrassment At Finding Out He Is Related To Corgis

A European Grey Wolf revealed today that he was “absolutely mortified” when scientists told him he was in fact related to corgis. “I was like, huh?”, said the wolf in an exclusive interview with The Allium “How can this be possible?” “But the evolutionary biologists showed me a phylogenetic tree and sure enough, there they were on the same tree as …

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PhD Students Worldwide Begin Countdown To Holiday Season

In a tradition that some say dates back to Pythagoras, the 4th of January is the date every year when PhD students worldwide begin their traditional countdown to the holiday season. The day usually starts off with everybody in the lab updating one another with what they were doing for the holidays and then the countdown usually starts at about 10 minutes after …

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Facebook Intern To Donate 99% Of His Wealth To Area Sandwich Shop

Palo Alto, CA – Facebook intern and computer science student, Art Sellers, announced in a facebook status update to his cat earlier today that he was going to donate 99% of his life savings to his favorite sandwich shop at lunchtime today. In the heartwarming story, bound to restore your faith in humanity, Mr. Sellers, outlined how he was going to …

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Post-Doc Unsure He Will Ever Be Able To Spend His Huge Salary

Post-doc with his money

Post-doc Harry Sachs confirmed to The Allium earlier today that has was not quite sure what he would do with all the money he is earning. “It’s the same every month”, said Dr. Sachs “huge, difficult decisions on how to spend my salary” “I have to ask myself whether I want to buy a Ferrari again or whether I would prefer to …

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U.S. Medical Schools Adopt Hunger Games-Inspired Selection Process

To celebrate the release of the last chapter of the Hunger Games movie trilogy, coming to theaters on November 20th, the American Association of Medical Colleges (AAMC) has recently decided to accept a proposal to change the medical school admissions process to a more Hunger Games-styled selection process. AAMC Chief Scientific Officer Ann Bonham, heading the initiative, is a self-proclaimed …

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Graduate Student Worried His PhD Might Be Interfering With His Drinking

Graduate student Armand Hammer revealed this morning that he was becoming concerned about his doctoral studies and how they are interfering with his drinking. “At first, it was just an experiment here and an experiment there, nothing major”, said Mr. Hammer. “But then I found myself doing an experiment pretty much every day.  I’d get up in the morning and …

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Tears Of Joy At Conference As Bioinformaticist Says “I Won’t Go Into Detail Of Algorithm”

WASHINGTON DC – At a human genomics meeting today, there was widespread relief during the fourth talk of the day, when the bioinformaticist that was speaking told the audience “I am not going to go through the details of my algorithm”. Fears had mounted early in the talk as it became clear that the speaker was going to deviate somewhat from the original topic as …

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Thesis Advisor Just Wondering If You Were Thinking Of Writing Up Soon

Bethesda – In a slightly uncomfortable encounter earlier today, thesis advisor Don Snow nonchalantly asked graduate student Herb Kippling if he was planning on “making a bit of a start” on “the old thesis” any time soon. Dr. Snow felt that he had affected an air of mild paternalistic enquiry, while PhD student, Mr. Kippling has reported that the incident was …

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