Science Life

The Allium Top Tips For Scientists and Engineers

The Allium Top Tips For Scientists and Engineers Save time with grants and papers by writing yourself a rejection letter immediately. Ensure career success by being born as a white European or American Male. Prevent your lab mates from stealing your solutions when you take a vacation by smashing all your solution bottles into pieces before you go away. Avoid having to …

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Scientists reportedly close to finding a use for LinkedIn

Mountain View, CA – Following a four-year multinational, interdisciplinary, cross-disciplinary study involving social scientists, computer scientists, algorithm developers, statisticians, mathematicians, programmers, engineers and clairvoyants, reports are circulating that there may be a breakthrough in the search for a use for the LinkedIn social network website. “We don’t want to get people’s hopes up too much”, said Prof. Don Key of …

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Conference now “completely ruined” after convention center found to have slow wifi

Baltimore MD – Scientists at a high-profile international conference declared yesterday that the conference was “completely ruined” by slow wifi. “I came here with such high expectations”, said post-doc, Dr. Richard Tator, “but this is probably the worst conference of my life” “I registered and got my username and password for the wifi, I settled into a seat and almost …

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Journal of Proteomics announces new “Readers Wives” section

Amsterdam – Little-known journal, the Journal of Proteomics announced today that it was taking the next logical step in its evolution and is now accepting a new manuscript type – the “Readers Wives” paper. “Following on from the “Seminal” work (ahem) of Pier Giorgio Righetti in the Journal of Proteomics, entitled “Harry Belafonte and the Secret Proteome of Coconut Milk”, …

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Researchers unsure if lab meeting is over

Aberystwyth, Wales – Seven researchers were left stranded in a lab meeting yesterday, unsure of what to do. The lab meeting, which started much like many other lab meetings in the past, slowly became more stilted and quiet as researcher after researcher reported that their experiments were not really working out as planned. The vanilla lattés that many of them …

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PhD student gives awesome research talk, thinks PhD student

PhD student Pietr Peterson gave what he can only describe as a truly fantastic, inspirational and amazing talk yesterday. He opened with a witty aside, made a little joke about his advisor, who was in the audience and clearly loved the attention. Peterson then moved on to outlining the problem that he was going to solve and how this problem …

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Principal Investigator offers grad student his best advice

Brisbane, Australia – Principal Investigator, Professor Blather Randywood took half an hour out of his busy schedule yesterday and kindly offered his graduate student, Donna Ketchum, some advice on her research project. At times this advice was completely worthless and at other times soul-destroying, but none of this seemed to matter to Prof. Randywood, who just droned on about how …

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Grad Student Breaks World Record For Saying “Fuck This Shit”

Hannover, Germany – Grad student Heike Heikesson, who is in the fourth year of her PhD program, broke the world record for saying “Fuck this shit” early this morning. She has beaten by one “Fuck this shit” the previous record that was held by – interestingly enough – another graduate student from Sydney, Australia, Shane Shanesson. Heikesson has managed to …

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Ed Yong and Carl Zimmer to decide who is best in no-holds-barred cage fight

New York – Carl “Boom Boom” Zimmer and Ed “Kid Kong” Yong have confirmed plans to face-off in a three round, mixed martial arts (MMA), no-holds-barred, fight-to-the-death-or-at-least-until-they-are-quite-tired cage fight in a contest that will decide once and for all which one of them can wear the crown of “Baddest Badass on the Blogosphere” (science writer division). Boom Boom is, of …

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Study reveals dissertation deadline day is most significant cause of grandparent mortality

In one of the largest global public health studies ever carried out on the reasons for grandparent mortality, it has been shown that the single biggest health risk to grandparents is thesis deadline day. “We had not appreciated how many grandparents died on dissertation submission days”, said Prof. Mort Ality of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “however, the …

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