Science Life

Mafia Bosses Voice “Deep Respect” For Closed-Access Journals

New Jersey (undisclosed location) – In an exclusive interview today with The Allium, Mafia boss,  Salvatore “Tiny Salvo” Genovese expressed his “profound admiration and deep respect” for closed access journals. “I thought we had a good racket going in Jersey in the fifties”, said Mr. Genovese, “but we got nothin’ on these guys.  For sure, its a different kinda Garbage Business, …

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Scientist Using Twitter To Make Up For Love He Never Had As A Child

London, UK – Molecular biologist Dr. Russell Leeves told The Allium today that he was not so much using Twitter for scientific outreach, but rather he was using it in an effort to make up for the love his parents never showed him as a child. “My father was an ecologist”, said Dr. Leeves, “so naturally this meant he was incapable …

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Genomic Study Shows How Cats Domesticated Humans

A recent genomic study of more than 200 cat genomes has shown that starting approximately 8,000 years ago, cats began to domesticate humans and use them for their own purposes. The genome study shows that cat genomes have not changed much in the last 8,000 years, but humans show signatures of cat-influenced artifical selection.   “Human farming by cats is …

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New iPhone Capable of Recording Black Friday Fights In 3D

Cupertino CA– Apple announced today that they are releasing a 3D iPhone update that has been especially designed for Black Friday. The main upgrade will be applied to the camera, which will record all Black Friday fights in widescreen mode for later playback on FaceBook and Twitter, just in case the iPhone owner forgets to tilt their camera. In addition, there …

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Awkward Silence As PhD Student Accidently Calls Advisor “dad”

Cambridge, UK – AN AWKWARD silence broke out in the laboratory this morning as second year PhD student Luke Barry accidently called his PhD supervisor “dad”. Unfortunately, the incident happened at a moment when the entire lab was present and it was heard by everybody. According to witnesses, Luke was enthusiastically describing his latest results to his advisor, when he …

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Ivy League Professor Questioned By Police After Setting Exam Questions That Were Too Hard

Police are investigating a Yale professor today after an undergraduate student became suspicious of an equation in an exam. “I felt terrorized by the equation”, said the student who didn’t wish to be named “I mean, this is America, we shouldn’t be frightened to walk into our own exam halls, but yet, here I was earlier today feeling very, very uncomfortable …

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Hipster Post-Doc Wishes To Be Called A Science Craftsperson

New lab post-doc Dr. Hugh Jorgan has earlier today asked the rest of the people in the lab to stop referring to him as a scientist or researcher.  Instead, Dr Jorgan has said he wishes to be called a “Science Craftsperson”. In an interview with The Allium, Dr. Jorgan said “I’m hoping to focus on a particular kind of science, you …

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First Draft of Peer-Review Rebuttal Just Says “Fuck Off”

San Diego, CA – When Clive James, genomic scientist at the San Diego Genomics Institute sat down to write a rebuttal of the reviews he received last week, all he could think of writing were the words “fuck off”. “It seemed to be the most appropriate thing to write”, said Dr. James “at least, it was heart-felt”. “After discussing it …

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Female Scientist To Treat Herself By Presenting Poster And Then Listening To Plenaries By Male Speakers

Female scientist Patience Knight told The Allium today that she was super-duper excited to have the opportunity this week to present a poster at her favorite international conference, while also getting the amazing opportunity of listening to all the male plenary speakers. “I was so, so grateful to present a poster at the conference”, Dr. Knight told The Allium “heck, as a woman scientist, …

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“Microbiome of Wounds” to be renamed “Infection”

Infected Wound with Microbiome

In an editorial simultaneously published in The Lancet, The New England Journal of Medicine, Nature, Science and The International Journal of Dairy Technology, the world’s leading researchers in infectious diseases have proposed the radical concept that “Microbiome of Wounds” should be renamed “Infection”. The editorial has caused consternation, with many people protesting that it just didn’t sound complicated enough. Speaking …

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