Policy

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Director Of NIH

In an effort to counter austerity measures implemented there since 2009, former Greek Minister for Finance, Yanis Varoufakis has been appointed as head of the National Institutes of Health. “For several years, the research community of the United States have put up with these austerity measures”, said Dr Varoufakis, “but from now on, we say OXI”. “For too long, our …

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Taylor Swift Announces She Will No Longer Review For Nature

In what is seen as the opening shot of a global superstar revolt against the establishment, Taylor Swift announced on her twitter feed earlier today that she was no longer content to review papers for Nature without adequate compensation for her time. Ms. Swift, who is a regular reviewer for the journal on such diverse research topics as Particle Physics, Molecular Medicine …

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World Applauds Bravery Of Nobel Prizewinner Tim Hunt For Calling Women Cry-Babies

Old white male Nobel Prizewinner Sir Tim Hunt FRS last night bravely and with searing honesty spoke about how women cannot help falling in love with him and how they cry when he is an asshole to them. It has been reported that many of the people in the audience in Korea remained awake until the end of Sir Tim’s speech and …

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FIFA To Take Over Running Of NIH

Lausanne, Switzerland – Barack Obama and Sepp Blatter announced today that because of anticipated efficiencies, FIFA, the governing body of soccer worldwide, will take over the day-to-day management of the NIH. “This move will mean that the NIH will be more transparent in their dealings with research organisations”, said Mr. Obama. “This does not mean they will be transparent”, said …

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Reviewer Three Confirms Contract Renewal With Satan

Reviewer number three confirmed today that he was renewing his contract with satan for another five years. “This has been a great year for me”, said Reviewer Three “I was a complete and utter ass***e this year and this made contract negotiations very easy”. “In particular this year, I was more subtle, reflecting my years of experience.  So, instead of sending …

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Swipe Right: Harvard Undergrad Entry To Be Handled By Tinder

Harvard have once again shown that they can change with the times.  They have teamed up with the tech company that invented Tinder and have developed an app that will decide entry into the ivy league school. “The way in which it works is that the student swipes right on the course they want and if the course directors swipe right on …

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NSF To Be Switched Off And Switched Back On Again

The following is the text of an announcement from President Barack Obama to the scientists of America: White House, America. Dear Scientists of America, Following extensive discussions with my advisors and some of you, we have decided that the only way we can hope to fix scientific funding in America is to switch it off and switch it back on …

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People Who Don’t Care About GWAS “A Threat To Civilization”

Washington DC – American President Barack Obama came out today saying that people that did not care about genome-wide association studies were a threat to our way of life. Sources close to the president said that he is furious about how some people “didn’t seem to care about” and even worse “some do not believe” GWAS studies. Obama stopped short …

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Along With “Genius” Awards, Macarthur Foundation To Give Out “Mediocre” Awards

The hopes of millions of scientists, writers and artists were given a boost yesterday as the MacArthur Foundation announced that they wanted to expand their repertoire of awards and were going to now give out 50 awards each year for people that were “the epitome of mediocre”. “It seemed to us that nobody was celebrating the wonders of mediocrity and …

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Indiana Passes “Scientific Freedom Law”, Mandates Scientists To Do Science From 1950s

INDIANAPOLIS – Indiana Governor Mike Pence has signed into law a new statute that requires all science in Indiana to be from the 1950s. “We are hoping to find out what is that damned molecule of inheritance”, said Gov. Pence “It has been bugging me for years”. Gov. Pence has explained that he is hoping to ensure that everything that happens …

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