Policy

U.S. Medical Schools Adopt Hunger Games-Inspired Selection Process

To celebrate the release of the last chapter of the Hunger Games movie trilogy, coming to theaters on November 20th, the American Association of Medical Colleges (AAMC) has recently decided to accept a proposal to change the medical school admissions process to a more Hunger Games-styled selection process. AAMC Chief Scientific Officer Ann Bonham, heading the initiative, is a self-proclaimed …

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Official: Everything Tasty Now Causes Cancer

The world was plunged into a dark, dark place today as the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) Monograph Working Group reported in The Lancet Oncology (DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S1470-2045(15)00444-1) that everything tasty can now be shown to cause cancer. The working group met in October in Lyon, France, the headquarters of the IARC, where all human joy was extinguished as it became clear …

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Report: Human Microbiome “Totally Responsible” for Financial Crisis of 2008

Fancy Microbiome Image

MARYLAND: Researchers in the NIH have traced the 2008 financial meltdown to a pathology involving the gut microbiomes of several executives in the Greedman Zaks bank. It appears that, due to an altered microbiome, the gut-liver-brain-penis axis in those executives was altered, triggering egregious sociopathic behavior. “I’m not sure what exactly happened” said Clayton Endicott-Biggott III, a mid-level executive in the …

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BREAKING: Facebook To Introduce “Stop F**king Showing Off” Button

MENLO PARK – CA: Facebook Chief Operating Officer (COO) Sheryl Sandberg announced today that for the first time ever, FaceBook is going to change its “like” button so you have the option of clicking a “Stop Fucking Showing Off” button. Speaking to The Allium Ms. Sandberg said “It became increasingly obvious that about 98% of Facebook users were just posting up …

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Skin Color Genes To Be Renamed “Just Arrest Me” Genes

The National Institutes of Health have confirmed this morning that they are to rename all genes that confer a brown-skin phenotype to “Just Arrest Me” genes. Earlier this week budding ninth-grader scientist Ahmed Mohamed assembled a digital clock and brought it to school, whereupon he was immediately arrested for possessing the wrong genes.  The NIH have now decided that certain versions …

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Trump Rips Out, Eats Beating Heart of Climate Scientist. Surges in Polls

Manhattan, New York – In a rally today in downtown New York, attended by 10,000 worshipers, Donald Trump carefully laid a live climate scientist onto a marble slab, before crashing his hand through his chest cavity, ripping out his still-beating heart and eating it live on television. Pollsters have indicated a surge in support for Trump, mostly from undecideds who …

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Pharmaceutical Company “Proud To Announce” 100 New Soul-Destroying Jobs

Philadelphia, PA – Global multinational pharmaceutical company Slackso Git-Climb said today that it was proud to announce the creation of 100 new high-value soul-crushing jobs. “These jobs will be secure and we are confident that they will be for life, or even longer”, said spokesperson Dr. Jed Dye. “The pharmaceutical industry is expanding on a daily basis, literally every day and Slackso …

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David Cameron To Place Restrictions On Foreign Science Coming To The UK

British Prime Minister, David Cameron announced today that he was about to publish his plans for restricting the arrival of foreign science in the UK. “Britain has experienced an unsustainable flood of foreign science arriving in the country over the past 20 years and I plan to put an end to it”, said Mr. Cameron. “Right now, we see huge …

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American Universities To Require All New Students To Have Gay Marriage

The Federation of American Universities (FAU) announced Tuesday that they are to introduce a new condition for entry to US universities – that all new students would have to enter into a gay marriage. “We wish to uphold not just the letter of the law, but also its spirit,” said Stanford President John L. Hennessy, spokesperson for the Federation, “and we want to …

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The Pros and Cons of Running A Majority White Male Conference

In this editorial, we at The Allium wish to present a balanced argument in favor of, and against running a conference, symposium or colloquium consisting mostly of male, white organisers, plenary speakers and contributed speakers.  Given that a majority of meetings conform to this “standard” in science (and we do love to keep our standards), we felt it was appropriate to …

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