Policy

Kim Jong-Un Expresses Solidarity With Leadership of UC Davis

Pyongyang, North Korea – In a letter sent today to the leadership of UC Davis, Kim Jong-Il said that he understood what they are going through and how people misunderstood the burden of leadership and the need to try to scrub bad news out. It emerged this week in an article written by the sacramento Bee that UC Davis had …

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Boss Now Calling Every Lab Project A “Moonshot” For Some Reason

La Jolla, CA – Lab boss Professor Brock Lee has taken to calling every single project in the lab a “moonshot” at this stage, much to the horror and confusion of everybody in the lab. Grad students in the lab first noticed this behavior at the end of 2015, but since the start of 2016, it now seems that every ordinary …

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Registrar “devastated” following missed opportunity to look important in front of academic staff

A Faculty Registrar from Blumpton University is recovering at home after missing an opportunity to strategically withhold information from her academic colleagues in order to look important at a Faculty meeting. “I received an instruction from the Vice-Chancellor to disseminate an email detailing changes to administrative processes to all academic staff in my Faculty. I usually screen these sort of …

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Zika Outbreak Unexpectedly Causing Global Shortage Of Tinfoil Hats

Washington DC – According to the WHO, the recent outbreak of Zika virus across Central and South America has caused a global depletion in tinfoil (or aluminum) hat supplies. “These tinfoil hats, which are so important for online activists and truthers have run to dangerously low levels”, said a spokesperson for the WHO. “Since the Zika virus outbreak started, the …

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British Government Approve Gene-Editing Technology To Remove Penis From Donald Trump’s Forehead

London UK – A brief statement from Downing Street this morning cleared the way for breakthrough technologies to be used in an effort to remove the large, flabby penis protruding from the forehead of Donald Trump. The controversial technology is still in its infancy and some say we shouldn’t interfere with nature, no matter how horrible the consequences.  Others say …

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Cladistics Journal Awards Prize To Eric Lander For Ability To Reconstruct History

Eric Lander, an acknowledged expert in science has written a clear and lucid and no-at-all-one-sided history of the amazing revolution in CRISPR technology since its discovery. This is a wonderfully pluralistic account, which does not in any way downplay the contribution of Jennifer Doudna and doesn’t in any way imply that she was a minor player in the whole revolution, while …

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Fears Mount For Evolutionary Biology Cult

Fears are mounting among the scientific community for the sanity of a little-known evolutionary biology cult, known as the “cladistics cult”. In a chilling statement on their website in January they have outlined their dogmas and have indicated their intolerance for other, more pluralistic ideas. In one particularly frightening sentence, that clearly eschews the standards of modern statistical sciences, the cult …

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Every Technology To Be Called a “Next-Generation” Technology From Now On

It was announced today that from here on, and to avoid confusion, every scientific and engineering technology is to be officially called a next-generation technology. “There has been too much confusion in the literature”, said renowned next-generation scientist Professor Hans Olo, “we need standards and the simplest standard is to call everything a next-generation technology, or next-gen for short. “From …

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Planet Earth Distraught By Martin Shkreli Arrest

The arrest yesterday, on suspicion of securities fraud of Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli, has done the unthinkable – the entire planet has united in grief for this poor guy. Shkreli made news earlier this year when he introduced an increase in the cost of a life-saving drug, Daraprim, by a mere 5,500%. In Syria, there was a minute’s silence and all factions in …

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Trump Proposes Ban On All Microbiome Researchers “Until We Know What They Are Up To”

New York, NY – Donald J. Trump is calling for an immediate ban on all microbiome research “until we can figure out what these guys are up to”. According to Mr. Trump, there are huge sectors of the microbiome community that have a “great hatred” of American poo. In an interview earlier today with The Allium Mr. Trump said that surveys …

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