Policy

Teresa May outraged as French scientist continues to use his French name, despite working in Britain

Downing Street, UK:  Prime Minister Theresa May is reported to be outraged that a French scientist working in the UK has insisted on continuing to use his French name when there is a perfectly good English equivalent. The French scientist, Pierre, has continued to call himself Pierre, despite the existence of the english name Peter, which is the direct translation. …

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United Airlines Win Contract To Chair ASM Annual Conference

Chicago, Il: United Airlines Inc. announced today that they have secured the contract to chair all the sessions at the annual meeting of the American Society for Microbiology. “We are proud of our ability to, shall we say, persuade people to get off the stage when we feel their talk is over”, said United CEO Oscar Muñoz. The ASM conference has …

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Karolinska Institute To Troll Bob Dylan By Offering Him Chemistry Nobel Prize

Today the Karolinska Institute announced that in 2018 they would offer Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize in Chemistry “just for shits and giggles”. Mr. Dylan has only recently picked up his Nobel Prize in Literature, due to the fact that he was “busy”. A spokesperson for the Institute told The Allium today that they were going to troll Mr. Dylan every …

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Trump to Rename National Institutes of Health to “Национальные институты здоровья”

Нью-Йорк, USA – Donald Trump has tweeted today that he intends on renaming the National Institutes of Health to Национальные институты здоровья. He said that this was one of the ways in which he was going to make America great again – by renaming all the institutions to their equivalents in “The Motherland” NASA would also be renamed to Государственная корпорация по …

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Trump To Require Reviewers To End All Reviews With the Word “Sad!”

Washington DC – President-Elect Mr. Donald Trump has tweeted that he will require all reviewers for all journals and grant agencies to end all reviews with the word “Sad!” Trump tweeted that all reviewers should be required to select the wording for their reviews from an approved list of words. The approved list of words includes “Stupid”, “Dumb”, “Weak”, “Loser”, …

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BREAKING: The Center for Stupidity Control Has Been Directed To Go On High Alert

Sources have confirmed that The Center for Stupidity Control (CSC), a top secret unit of the Center for Disease Control (CDC), has been directed to go into rapid response and high-alert mode. An unreliable internal source has said that CSC intelligence officers have been dispatched across the USA in an effort to contain the hitherto unknown pathogen which has been safely isolated in …

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Pandas “Totally Relieved” None of their Body Parts Made of Anything Valuable

Reports in this morning have indicated that Panda bears all over the world are delighted that their individual body parts are completely worthless. Pandas have been taken off the “endangered” list by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and are now merely vulnerable. A Panda spokesperson told The Allium earlier today that there was general relief in Panda …

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Science and Logic Not Needed In The USA, Farage Tells Trump Rally

"In Britain, we built a wall of sorts around our great country - a wall made from the sea", said Mr. Farage.

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UN Aid Pours In To Oxford Following #BREXIT

The United Nations has responded urgently to address the calamitous crisis in British science by setting up a series of soup kitchens in devastated universities around Britain, such as those in Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh and Imperial College. A charity text number has been set up that can be used to automatically donate money. Simply text “You poor, poor, poor chaps” to 1800-SOUP-4-OXBRIDGE …

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Archaeological Radar Reveals Churchill Rotating In Grave

Archaeologists have confirmed today that their super-sensitive radar, electromagnetic devices and magnetometers have revealed that the body of Winston Churchill is rotating in its grave today. Churchill was of course one of the chief architects of the european project and a person that had very little time for complete and utter fuckwits. Speaking on behalf of the archaeological study, Dr. …

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