Policy

Trump to Rename National Institutes of Health to “Национальные институты здоровья”

Нью-Йорк, USA – Donald Trump has tweeted today that he intends on renaming the National Institutes of Health to Национальные институты здоровья. He said that this was one of the ways in which he was going to make America great again – by renaming all the institutions to their equivalents in “The Motherland” NASA would also be renamed to Государственная корпорация по …

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Trump To Require Reviewers To End All Reviews With the Word “Sad!”

Washington DC – President-Elect Mr. Donald Trump has tweeted that he will require all reviewers for all journals and grant agencies to end all reviews with the word “Sad!” Trump tweeted that all reviewers should be required to select the wording for their reviews from an approved list of words. The approved list of words includes “Stupid”, “Dumb”, “Weak”, “Loser”, …

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BREAKING: The Center for Stupidity Control Has Been Directed To Go On High Alert

Sources have confirmed that The Center for Stupidity Control (CSC), a top secret unit of the Center for Disease Control (CDC), has been directed to go into rapid response and high-alert mode. An unreliable internal source has said that CSC intelligence officers have been dispatched across the USA in an effort to contain the hitherto unknown pathogen which has been safely isolated in …

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Pandas “Totally Relieved” None of their Body Parts Made of Anything Valuable

Reports in this morning have indicated that Panda bears all over the world are delighted that their individual body parts are completely worthless. Pandas have been taken off the “endangered” list by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and are now merely vulnerable. A Panda spokesperson told The Allium earlier today that there was general relief in Panda …

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Science and Logic Not Needed In The USA, Farage Tells Trump Rally

"In Britain, we built a wall of sorts around our great country - a wall made from the sea", said Mr. Farage.

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UN Aid Pours In To Oxford Following #BREXIT

The United Nations has responded urgently to address the calamitous crisis in British science by setting up a series of soup kitchens in devastated universities around Britain, such as those in Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh and Imperial College. A charity text number has been set up that can be used to automatically donate money. Simply text “You poor, poor, poor chaps” to 1800-SOUP-4-OXBRIDGE …

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Archaeological Radar Reveals Churchill Rotating In Grave

Archaeologists have confirmed today that their super-sensitive radar, electromagnetic devices and magnetometers have revealed that the body of Winston Churchill is rotating in its grave today. Churchill was of course one of the chief architects of the european project and a person that had very little time for complete and utter fuckwits. Speaking on behalf of the archaeological study, Dr. …

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Boris Johnson Shares Vision For British Science Post-Brexit

London, England – Former Mayor of London and chief strategist for the campaign to leave the European Union, Boris Johnson has declared that a “Golden Age” of British science is just around the corner.  He has confidently predicted that Britain will move to number one in the world in such areas of research as Alchemy, Spontaneous Generation, Phlogiston Theory and …

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Female Scientist To Treat Herself By Presenting Poster And Then Listening To Plenaries By Male Speakers

Female scientist Patience Knight told The Allium today that she was super-duper excited to have the opportunity this week to present a poster at her favorite international conference, while also getting the amazing opportunity of listening to all the male plenary speakers. “I was so, so grateful to present a poster at the conference”, Dr. Knight told The Allium “heck, as a woman scientist, …

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“Microbiome of Wounds” to be renamed “Infection”

Infected Wound with Microbiome

In an editorial simultaneously published in The Lancet, The New England Journal of Medicine, Nature, Science and The International Journal of Dairy Technology, the world’s leading researchers in infectious diseases have proposed the radical concept that “Microbiome of Wounds” should be renamed “Infection”. The editorial has caused consternation, with many people protesting that it just didn’t sound complicated enough. Speaking …

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