Policy

Mafia Bosses Voice “Deep Respect” For Closed-Access Journals

New Jersey (undisclosed location) – In an exclusive interview today with The Allium, Mafia boss,  Salvatore “Tiny Salvo” Genovese expressed his “profound admiration and deep respect” for closed access journals. “I thought we had a good racket going in Jersey in the fifties”, said Mr. Genovese, “but we got nothin’ on these guys.  For sure, its a different kinda Garbage Business, …

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Pope Reveals That Eighth Deadly Sin Is Actually PERL Programming

Vatican City – Pope Francis has announced today that there will be a crucial addition to all future bibles and all Catholic teachings concerning what used to be known as the “Seven Deadly Sins”. “In future, there will be an addition to the number of sins that are deadly”, said the Pope, “From now on, there will be an eighth …

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New “Dr Who” Told She Needs Major Research Grant and Paper In Nature If She Wants Tenure

In a leaked document from the BBC, The Allium has acquired documentary proof that the new “Dr. Who”, Jodie Whittaker is expected to obtain a major research grant and a paper in Nature if she is to have any hope to secure tenure. A spokesperson from the BBC said this is the normal procedure and unfortunately the last 12 incumbents …

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Theresa May “Just realised” how much she hates butterflies and drug-safety trials

London, UK: Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Theresa May told The Allium this week that she has had a “sudden and inexplicable” hatred of butterflies, hedgehogs and drug safety trials. “I don’t know how this happened”, said Mrs May, “but suddenly as the number of enemies in my own party has grown since the UK general election, I felt a …

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Man who voted for Nazi not particularly worried about climate change

In an interview earlier today, a Trump supporter pledged his full support for President Trump, saying “Hey, I voted for a sexist, racist Nazi, do you think I give a crap about climate change?” Fervent Trump supporter, Bodean Cletus Forrest told The Allium earlier today that his vote in 2016 for total raving lunatic Donald Trump has, by definition, excluded him …

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Teresa May outraged as French scientist continues to use his French name, despite working in Britain

Downing Street, UK:  Prime Minister Theresa May is reported to be outraged that a French scientist working in the UK has insisted on continuing to use his French name when there is a perfectly good English equivalent. The French scientist, Pierre, has continued to call himself Pierre, despite the existence of the english name Peter, which is the direct translation. …

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United Airlines Win Contract To Chair ASM Annual Conference

Chicago, Il: United Airlines Inc. announced today that they have secured the contract to chair all the sessions at the annual meeting of the American Society for Microbiology. “We are proud of our ability to, shall we say, persuade people to get off the stage when we feel their talk is over”, said United CEO Oscar Muñoz. The ASM conference has …

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Karolinska Institute To Troll Bob Dylan By Offering Him Chemistry Nobel Prize

Today the Karolinska Institute announced that in 2018 they would offer Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize in Chemistry “just for shits and giggles”. Mr. Dylan has only recently picked up his Nobel Prize in Literature, due to the fact that he was “busy”. A spokesperson for the Institute told The Allium today that they were going to troll Mr. Dylan every …

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Trump to Rename National Institutes of Health to “Национальные институты здоровья”

Нью-Йорк, USA – Donald Trump has tweeted today that he intends on renaming the National Institutes of Health to Национальные институты здоровья. He said that this was one of the ways in which he was going to make America great again – by renaming all the institutions to their equivalents in “The Motherland” NASA would also be renamed to Государственная корпорация по …

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Trump To Require Reviewers To End All Reviews With the Word “Sad!”

Washington DC – President-Elect Mr. Donald Trump has tweeted that he will require all reviewers for all journals and grant agencies to end all reviews with the word “Sad!” Trump tweeted that all reviewers should be required to select the wording for their reviews from an approved list of words. The approved list of words includes “Stupid”, “Dumb”, “Weak”, “Loser”, …

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