Physics

CERN admit they will never top Higgs Bosun

Geneva, Switzerland: CERN announced today that they are probably not going to ever top the Higgs Bosun and their best days are now behind them. “This has come as a bit of a disappointment to us”, said CERN spokesperson Dr. Crystal Bolle “we thought that surely we would find other stuff, but it’s now just not looking likely”. “The Bosun …

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Entire World To Spend Day Marvelling At Gravitational Waves They Don’t Understand

The entire world woke up today delighted at the news that gravitational waves had finally been found, thereby fulfilling one of the predictions of Einstein’s Theory of general relativity or maybe special relativity. While delighted at this news and this amazing piece of science, the entire world admitted that it has absolutely no clue what any of this meant, but …

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Liverpool Scientist Builds Exact Replica Of Large Hadron Collider, Using 3D Printer

Liverpool, UK – A scientist in Liverpool, England completed the building of a replica of the Large Hadron Collider yesterday, entirely using a 3D printer.  He is hoping to power the particle accelerator up next week. The scientist, Dr. Adam Baum, said to The Allium  “In the process, we managed to use more than 7 Million litres of plastic for the 3D …

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Astronomers Discover New Planet Made Entirely Of Weed

Astronomer Helen Whiels announced today that she and her colleagues had discovered a new [thirstylink linkid=”1728″ linktext=”planet” class=”thirstylink” title=”planet”] made entirely of Cannabis. The discovery was made by Dr. Whiels when she was on a research expedition to Hawaii where they were using a Leica 7.7 Meter telescope. “It was so great to find this totally awesome planet”, said Dr. …

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Astronomers Devastated As Two New Planets Found To Be Dirt on Telescope Lens

Madrid, Spain – The world of Astrophysics has been thrown into turmoil today, just four days after the announcement that our solar system is likely to have two more planets. In an exclusive interview with The Allium, Prof Carlos de la Fuente Marcos has revealed that his announcement four days ago that there may be two new super-planets at the edge of our …

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Breakthrough: First Photons Of Light Emerge From Science Bloggers Ass

After seven years blogging and tweeting, it was confirmed today that a stream of photons have emerged from the ass of a well-known science blogger. The blogger has spent 40,000 tweets telling the world how awesome he is and already holds the Guinness Book Of Records Record for the most Humblebrags on a blogspot account. Physicists believe that the tweet …

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We’re NASA and we know it

NASA

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Scientists Close to Making Matter from Flour, Eggs and Milk

Scientists have reported today that they are tantalisingly close to making matter from flour, eggs and milk. “We are pretty sure we can make some matter from these ordinary household items”, said lead scientist Dr. Chris Cross. “We have been working on the protocol for several years now, but essentially, we will release the internal contents of the eggs using …

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Astrophysicists pretty sure biologists are doing it wrong, after finding of rings on Chariklo asteroid

Astrophysicists across the globe pretty much agreed today that biologists “really don’t get it” and they “probably need to pay a bit of attention to how we do it”. This conclusion was reached after the second major astrophysics finding in two weeks was been made public. Nature published news today of the finding that the asteroid Chariklo, which orbits between …

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Biologist admits to being “A bit jealous” of physicists right now

In an interview with The Allium today, Stanford Biologist, Dr. Lou Zahr, admitted that he is a bit jealous of physicists right now. “I gotta admit, all this Big Bang stuff is pretty cool”, said Dr. Zahr, sitting in the Palo Alto office he shares with Dr. Molly Keuhl, “We just never get results like this in biology”. “R=0.2 plus …

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