Australia To Provide Less Research Funding For Women “Because They’re Smaller”

Canberra Oz – The Australian government announced today that in future they will allocate less research funding to female researchers because they are, on average, smaller than men. “It has been proven scientifically that we are a sexually dimorphic species and the females of the species are, on average, smaller than the males.  On average, they eat less, their clothes …

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Scientist Needs Grant Proposal Success To Make Up For Love He Never Got As A Child

In a frank interview today with The Allium, scientist Richard Swett revealed that he craves grant proposal success in order to make up for the love he never got as a child. “My father was a remote, emotionless man”, said Dr. Swett “and he never showed even a small amount of affection for us from the moment we were born.  He …

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Grant Proposal Brutally Hacked To Death By Reviewer Three

Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon confirmed earlier today that an American grant proposal had been brutally hacked to death by an unknown terrorist, known only as Reviewer 3. In a statement released through the United Nations press office, Mr Ban said “Our thoughts are with the investigator who gave birth to this proposal, we understand it is a …

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UCLA Awarded Funding To sequence The FartOme

UCLA – Scientists at UCLA today welcomed news that the NIH has awarded them a grant of 700 billion dollars to sequence the fartome. This fifteen year study will involve thousands of scientists and it aims to understand the functional biology of the fart. “We believe that 100% of the fart is functional”, said Dr. Francis Collins, Director of the …

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PLoS Demands Kidney From Scientist As Payment For Publication

San Francisco, CA – PloS One announced today that they are changing their policy for payments of manuscripts. This change is in response to criticism that they asked for the personal bank details of a scientist that asked for a fee waiver.  The discussion can be found here: Owing to the bad publicity of this cynical bait-and-switch move by the …

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FBI Finally Uncover What Grant Proposal Was All About

FBI - Completely Confused

J. Edgar Hoover Building, DC – The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Mr James Comey has confirmed to The Allium today that they have in fact finally deciphered an NSF grant application that was submitted several weeks ago. “We have had people working in our offices for decades and they had never seen something to confusing and bewildering”, said …

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Study Reveals For 99% Of Grant Proposals, Workpackage 4 Was Just Stuck On At The End

A study by Oxford University has found that 99% of all grant proposals contained workpackage four that was just stuck on at the end because the rest of the proposal seemed a bit light without a fourth workpackage. Author of the study Prof. Dinah Soares confirmed to The Allium that in fact for those grant proposals that were actually funded, the success …

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Physicist Discovers Alternative Universe Where Research Funding Is Doubling Every Year

Yale – Physicist Dr. Gaye Barr has confirmed that she has discovered an alternative universe where research funding has been doubling every year for the last decade. “We had two competing hypotheses for the funding collapse”, said Dr. Barr.  “Either there was an alternative universe where funding was increasing massively, or there was some kind of time-travel shit going on”. …

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British Government Answers Call For Increased Science Funding. British Government Says “No”

Union flag

London, UK – The British government today announced its plans following calls to increase the funding base for science in Britain. The government said it had very, very clear plans and those incredibly plans were to not to increase research funding in any way whatsoever. “All of this discovery and research – where has it ever gotten us?”, said Prime …

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NIH Celebrates One Millionth Rejected Grant Proposal

NIH Party

Bethesda, MD – The National Institutes of Health announced today that they had finally crossed the line and rejected their one millionth grant proposal.  The rejected proposal was a sure-fire method for curing heart disease and diabetes and would have provided training for 10 post-doctoral fellows and several grad students. “We have been waiting for this for a long time”, …

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