Engineering

Illumina To Produce Genome Sequencer For California Market That Is Entirely Gluten Free

Los Angeles – Illumina announced today that their new MiSeq sequencer for the california market is completely Gluten-free, coeliac friendly, was produced organically, is vegan and was allowed to roam freely as a baby sequencer. “We have recognized for a long time that we were not really doing well in the California market”, said Illumina CEO, Jay Tee Flatley. “We …

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World Disappointed That “Bash Coming to Windows 10” Doesn’t Mean What They Think It Means

For approximately 10 minutes today the entire planet experienced a wave of euphoria when Microsoft made an announcement that finally they were going to Bash Windows 10. Unfortunately, later clarifications indicated that Microsoft were not actually going to take a sledgehammer to their ubiquitous operating system, but instead they were going to merge it with an actual operating system that …

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USDA Approves Growing of DNA-Free Potatoes

WASHINGTON DC – The United States department of Agriculture has announced its plans to combat hostility to the production of food with an altered DNA content.  They have approved – for the very first time – the cultivation, growth and processing of DNA-free potatoes.  They hope to include all other crops in due course. “In one fell swoop we will …

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Torvalds Announces Plans To Change Linux Line Endings To Letter Z

Linus Torvalds, founder of the linux operating system has announced today that he is hoping to change the line endings in linux, so that the letter Z is now going to co-function as a line-ending character. “The letter Z is rarely used, so it can easily serve this dual function”, said Torvalds earlier today when contacted by The Allium. “We have found …

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NASA Finds Planet Most Similar To Earth

Houston, TX – NASA reported today that their Kepler space observatory has found a planet that is almost an exact twin of Earth. “We are hugely excited to find a planet that is extremely similar to Earth”, said NASA spokesperson Dr. Hazle Nutt. “We have found that the planet has had a very stable atmosphere for almost 4 billion years, …

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Computer Programming To Be Officially Renamed “Googling Stackoverflow”

Washington DC – The IEEE have produced a report today where they strongly recommend that from now on, the discipline of Computer Programming should be officially renamed to “Googling Stackoverflow”. “We are recommending a root-and-branch name change to this discipline”, said President of the IEEE, Thomas M. Conte.  “We are even going to change the official name of the IEEE Computer Society …

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Beijing Genome Institute Launches New Genome Sequencer

The Beijing Genome Institute (BGI) announced yesterday on their twitter feed that they are to launch a new genome sequencer at the end of 2015. Speaking about this revolutionary new instrument, a BGI spokesperson told The Allium that they hoped that this would revolutionize genomic science. “It is very simple to set up and can be managed by as few as …

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To Celebrate Marriage Equality, Illumina to Release “BiSeq” Genome Sequencer

Multinational genome sequencing manufacturer, Illumina (NASDAQ: ILMN) have announced today that in addition to their personal genome sequencer, the “MiSeq” and the high throughput genome sequencer the “HiSeq”, they are to add a new genome sequencer in celebration of Marriage equality legislation in the United States, the “BiSeq” platform. “This new sequencer is specifically designed to sequence anything in any …

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Liverpool Scientist Builds Exact Replica Of Large Hadron Collider, Using 3D Printer

Liverpool, UK – A scientist in Liverpool, England completed the building of a replica of the Large Hadron Collider yesterday, entirely using a 3D printer.  He is hoping to power the particle accelerator up next week. The scientist, Dr. Adam Baum, said to The Allium  “In the process, we managed to use more than 7 Million litres of plastic for the 3D …

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Report: Android Operating System One Year From Being Sentient

A confidential report seen by The Allium confirms that the android operating system is now only one year away from being sentient and is building up the ability to construct an army of robots. The Android Operating system is currently using more than 1 billion people to propagate itself. This is a significant increase from the 538 million in June 2013.  The …

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