Computing

StackOverflow announces new top-ranking user class: “Punisher”

StackOverflow, the online forum that, together with Google, enables Googling StackOverflow, has announced a new privilege class for its top-ranking users. “We reward our users’ contributions with extra forum privileges, such as ability to downvote posts or delete questions”, said Jerry Khan, the Grand High Foobar of StackOverflow. “Inspired by the academic peer review system, we realized that people will …

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Torvalds Announces Plans To Change Linux Line Endings To Letter Z

Linus Torvalds, founder of the linux operating system has announced today that he is hoping to change the line endings in linux, so that the letter Z is now going to co-function as a line-ending character. “The letter Z is rarely used, so it can easily serve this dual function”, said Torvalds earlier today when contacted by The Allium. “We have found …

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Computer Programming To Be Officially Renamed “Googling Stackoverflow”

Washington DC – The IEEE have produced a report today where they strongly recommend that from now on, the discipline of Computer Programming should be officially renamed to “Googling Stackoverflow”. “We are recommending a root-and-branch name change to this discipline”, said President of the IEEE, Thomas M. Conte.  “We are even going to change the official name of the IEEE Computer Society …

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Report: Android Operating System One Year From Being Sentient

A confidential report seen by The Allium confirms that the android operating system is now only one year away from being sentient and is building up the ability to construct an army of robots. The Android Operating system is currently using more than 1 billion people to propagate itself. This is a significant increase from the 538 million in June 2013.  The …

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BREAKING: Zuckerberg Admits He Has Forgotten Root Password For Facebook

News is just reaching us here at Allium Towers that Mark Zuckerberg, C.E.O. of Facebook, which had the biggest Initial Public Offering in the history of the world, has now admitted that he has lost the root password. “I’m so f***ing angry with myself”, said Zuckerberg, “I had even written it down in case I forgot it, but now I …

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Computer Scientist Announces Zany Ideas at ACM Conference, Pope Still Catholic

In an unsurprising turn of events, Iona Ford, a veteran seventh-year Computer Science grad student turned up at an ACM conference recently and asked a number of other delegates if they wanted to hear about her zany ideas. The suggestion by the check-shirted, 34-year-old, single, grad student immediately resulted in a small epidemic of eye-rolling and a notable spike in the use of …

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Nation Rallies In Support Of Programmer

The entire country held their breath yesterday as a junior programmer in Stanford fought bravely with a recursive function in Python. Media were alerted to the situation at approximately 8PM EST and since then, the nation has been holding its collective breath. The programmer, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was Noah Goodson of Palo Alto, a first-year grad …

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New Amazon Phone To Use Extended English Alphabet

Seattle WA – Amazon have unveiled their new mobile phone device and have indicated that it will use alphabetical letters that have never been seen before. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has indicated that Amazon have been working feverishly on brand new alphabetical letters to go with their new phone. “We felt that if we were to really, really innovate, then …

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We’re up all night for debugging

Oh Spain, you just keep giving and giving.  

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Five dead, twelve injured in gangland dispute between computer scientists

Pasadena CA – Police are reporting today that a gangland dispute between warring factions at CalTech and UCLA degenerated into full-scale violence Friday.

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