Chemistry

British Daily Mail Newspaper Confirms Cancer Is Caused By And Cured By Everything

London, UK – The Daily Mail newspaper has confirmed today that every known thing either causes cancer or it is a simple, but revolutionary cure for cancer. The newspaper has seconded its best summer intern – Dave – to analyse the data and he has come up with a comprehensive list of the leading causes and cures for cancer. The …

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Laboratory Chemical Reclassified From “Harmful” to “Run For Your Lives”

Watford Illinois – Scientists today have declared that they are to reclassify common lab chemical 4-beta-gamma-gammy-crystalneurophenylsuckamine from the classification “harmful” to its new classification which is “run for your f*****g lives”. “It turns out that this thing is more toxic than the fallout from Chernobyl mixed with Starbucks coffee…but we didn’t know it”, said toxicology chemist Dr. Randy Lover. “We …

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North Korea Celebrates as Kim Jong Un Discovers Structure of DNA

Pyongyang, North Korea – Celebrations were well underway last night as North Koreans applauded their supreme leader for personally discovering the chemical structure of DNA. Professor Un made his discovery late yesterday when he was experimenting in his personal laboratory, using a system of experimentation he calls leg’o, a system he hopes to patent soon. Using the brightly colored plastic …

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Scientists Close to Making Matter from Flour, Eggs and Milk

Scientists have reported today that they are tantalisingly close to making matter from flour, eggs and milk. “We are pretty sure we can make some matter from these ordinary household items”, said lead scientist Dr. Chris Cross. “We have been working on the protocol for several years now, but essentially, we will release the internal contents of the eggs using …

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Assad appeals to genome sequencing companies to “step back from the brink”

Syria – President of Syria and General Secretary of the Ba’ath Party, Bashar Al Assad appealed for calm today in the ongoing war between genome sequencing companies. “I appeal to them to step back from the brink, take a quiet moment and consider what they are doing”, said Assad from his bunker in Damascus. “This stand-off between them, this cold …

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Kansas school board votes to compel schools to teach alchemy – teach the controversy

KANSAS CITY – The Kansas school board voted today to compel all schools in the state to teach alchemy in chemistry class. This controversial move comes amid calls from the Tea Party of Kansas to teach the controversy and not simply accept what scientists might say about the immutability of the chemical elements. “On the one hand, we have scientists …

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