Biology

Extreme violence in Palaeontology Artwork up 43% in a single year

The Natural History Museum, London – Noted palaeontology art critic, Dan Druff announced today that the last 12 months have been “the best ever” in palaeontology artwork, noting in particular, the number of new artworks depicting every single fossil animal as being more savage than anything ever seen by living humans. “It is clear from the new artwork that nothing on …

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Biotechnology pressure group calls for an end to Saccharomyces abuse on St. Patrick’s Day

An influential Washington DC- based biotechnology ethics oversight group has called on Barack Obama to end the exploitation of Saccharomyces cerevisiae on March 17th each year. “For goodness sake”, said Prof Brew Baker of the “Biotech Exploitation Ends Rightnow” group, “what kind of society condones such exploitation and what does it say about us?” “Every year billions of yeasts are …

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Scientists fear 30,000 year old virus will wipe out entire planet

France – scientists have uncovered a 30,000 year old virus from the permafrost of Siberia and now fear that awakening it from its sleep will wreak havoc on the inhabitants of the entire planet. Professor Pan Demic, who works at the French National Institute for Virology Outbreaks (FNIVO) said to The Allium today that she fears that a new terror …

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Immunologist discovers new acronym

Oxford – An Immunologist working at the Oxford Institute of Immune Innovation (OIII) revealed yesterday that he had discovered a new acronym. Dr. Lym Phomaniac, a veteran of several paradigm shifts in immunology as well as the co-inventor of a number of baffling acronyms and pathways, announced his discovery Monday. “I was at home yesterday evening when suddenly it occurred …

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Study shows Honey Badger is most caring mammal

The genome sequence of the Honey Badger Mellivora capensis has been obtained and researchers suggest that contrary to the popular perception that the Honey Badger is uncaring and even hurtful, it appears that the Honey Badger has the largest number of Oxytocin Receptor Genes ever seen in a mammal, so genetically, it is likely to be the most caring animal …

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Denmark unveils plans to eviscerate pandas and unicorns next

Copenhagen, Denmark – In a darkened room, somewhere in the bowels of the Danish government buildings, a hooded government minister revealed the nation’s plans to find the cutest pandas and unicorns in the entire world and then disembowel them in front of Jennifer Lawrence at a time when she has been upset by something else anyway and is feeling particularly …

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Sex with neanderthal was “a bit meh”, says ancient human

Neander Valley, Germany –  Ancient human, Eve Florensis said that her torrid sex session with John “Ned” Neanderthal was not quite as good as she expected. The disappointing sex happened last Friday night after dinner at local fine-dining hotspot “The Tar Pit”. “It all started off quite well”, said Eve, “he was quite passionate and of course he has an …

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WOW – First Peek Inside London’s Sleek New Francis Crick Institute

Francis Crick Institute

The Allium took photographs of the new state-of-the-art research institute just completed in the centre of London, named after Sir Francis Crick, co-discoverer of DNA. First of all our reporter visited the new library, home to the many journals and books that the researchers of “The Crick” will use.  The literature is arranged according to the Dewey-Decimal system.  Lovely. Next, our …

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New DNA sequencing method will sequence entire planet in one year

Pyongyang, North Korea – In a statement released today, state scientists in the Pyongyang Institute of Technology (PIT) say they have developed a new state-of-the-art DNA sequencing method that will be capable of sequencing all the DNA on the planet in less than a year. This new technology, which is based on a technology developed first for high-tech hamster wheels, …

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Parents jailed after stem cell tragedy for their child

CHICAGO – The parents of a small child were jailed this week for negligence when they negligently allowed their small son access to a flask of stem cells that they had brought home from work. This story is even more poignant, given that the parents are

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