Biology

Study Reveals Microbiome To Be Master-Controller Of All Humanity

Cambridge, UK – In a study published today it was shown that in 99.4% of all human function has been abdicated to the microbiome. “What we have found”, said Dr. Helen Back “is that humans are merely the puppet and the microbiome is the puppet-master”. “The Microbiome has in fact taken over all of humanity and most humans are simply zombies …

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Report: Ice Bucket Challenge Causing Ecological Mayhem in California

Irvine, CA – In a damning report today, it has been shown that the severe drought in California is actually being caused by the Ice Bucket Challenge. California has experienced extreme drought recently and this is causing ecological mayhem throughout major parts of Hollywood and Southern California. California Governor, Jerry Brown is about to declare a state of emergency in defense of the endangered …

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Exclusive: Naked Mole Rat Filled With Regret Over Evolutionary Choices

In an exclusive interview with The Allium, the Naked Mole Rat has revealed its regret at some of the evolutionary choices it has made, in particular the whole nakedness and the teeth. “I just cannot find love and I think it is because of these choices I made”. “I mean, when I was a young species, I just liked, you …

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New Allele Hopeful of Making The Big Time

In an exclusive interview today with The Allium a new allele opened up about her hopes and dreams of making the big time. “I realise that this is a tough business and you have little control over it”, said the new allele. “Things have to go right for you.  I really envy alleles from species with large effective population sizes – …

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Male Black Widow Spider Appeals For More Understanding Between The Sexes

“For several million years, there has been an abusive relationship between the sexes”. This is the claim being made by a male Black Widow spider in an exclusive interview with The Allium.  The male spider, who didn’t wish to be named, on account of personal safety concerns, said that a greater understanding between the sexes is now necessary. “I feel the …

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Poll: Only 91% of evolutionary biologists drown kittens in a bucket every day

A confidential report, seen by The Allium, has found that only 91% of evolutionary biologists drown a kitten in  a bucket every day. When asked what their preferred method of drowning kittens was, most replied that they liked to do it before breakfast – to get a good start on the day. This figure is down significantly from ten years …

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Evolution to finally retire after 4.5 billion years at work

In a rare interview with The Allium, Evolution has revealed that she is about to retire after what she called “a very exciting, but exhausting phase of my career”. Evolution recalled some of the highlights of her career and credits her Cyanobacterial work as being some of her favourite. “Well, after we did those photosystems, it just seemed that everything …

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In Spirit of Fairness Dan Graur Agrees To Kick In Balls From ENCODE Scientist

The upcoming SMBE conference marks a new era of peace and understanding between Dan Graur and the ENCODE scientists as Graur has agreed that it was only fair that one of them could kick him in the balls. For the past two years, Professor Graur has been repeatedly landing eyewatering, “haymaker” kicks directly onto the dangly bits of ENCODE science. Onlookers have …

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Green Alga not sure what she is getting out of lichen relationship

In a very moving interview with The Allium today, green alga opened up about her close lichen-based relationship with fungus. “Not everything went as I expected it”, said Ms Alga, close to tears “there were times when I asked myself – “Are we ever going to grow? Is this relationship ever going to evolve into something closer?” “Of course my …

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Beaver biologist talks openly about dinner party hell

Austin, Texas – Local beaver biologist Professor Harry Johnson, has made a courageous stand by revealing to The Allium that he is now completely fed up of dinner parties. “I used to love dinner parties”, said Prof. Johnson “good food, meeting new people, lively conversation – what’s not to like?”. “But after a few drinks, when people ask you what you …

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