Biology

Anti-Vax Scandal: Queen’s University Just Happy To Be In The News

Queen’s University, Ontario, Canada – currently in the spotlight following an allegation that one of their staff members was giving anti-vaccination lectures in Health Class – has revealed that it is just happy to actually be in the news for once. A spokesperson for the university said “Heck, we are delighted with the fact that we are now number 1 …

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Five Dead As Pro- and Anti-Microbiome Demonstrators Clash

Fears mounted today as pro- and anti-[thirstylink linkid=”1715″ linktext=”microbiome” class=”thirstylink” title=”microbiome”] demonstrators fought an all-out war on the streets of Poughkeepsie, in upstate New York. Five have been reported killed, with dozens more wounded, many have been hospitalized. The town of just over 30,000 inhabitants, the county seat of Dutchess County is long known for its strong feelings about microbiome …

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Genome Study Finds Gene For Believing Genome Studies

Cambridge, MA – A new [thirstylink linkid=”1729″ linktext=”genome” class=”thirstylink” title=”genome”] study involving 4.5 billion people, half of whom didn’t believe genome studies and half of whom felt they were the answer to life, the universe and everything, has uncovered a gene that might, if you squint your eyes and tilt your head sideways, be slightly significant in terms of making …

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Epidemiologists Warn of Emerging Deadly Pandemic of Selfie-sticks

Boston, MA – Harvard epidemiologists have issued a stark warning to governments worldwide urging them to do something about the sudden near-unstoppable pandemic of selfie-sticks. “This one has completely taken us by surprise”, said Harvard epidemiologist, Professor Thomas Richard Harry. “It is not just one strain of selfie-stick, but dozens of strains, all emerging at the same time and from …

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Palaeontology Study Finds Dinosaurs Were Mostly Made From Stone

Palaeontologists have made the startling finding that dinosaurs were in fact mostly made from stone. “Unlike other vertebrates, we are now pretty certain that dinosaurs were not made from bone and flesh, but rather they had no flesh and their skeletons were made from stone¬†– usually a kind of grey or brown stone, we think”, said Dinosaur expert Vacob Jinther. …

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Study Reveals “Magic” Mushrooms Cannot Actually Perform Any Tricks

magic mushrooms

A study by Berkeley scientists has revealed this week that the long-held view that some mushrooms were actually magic is in fact false. The five-year program of research which was carried out over a period of 23 years has shown that not a single studied species of so-called “Magic” mushrooms is capable of performing even the simplest trick. “The problem …

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Scientists Discover Two New Kinds Of Bird Poop

Scientists at Stanford University have revealed that they have discovered two new species of bird poop that defy classification.¬† These are the first new species of poop that have been discovered in thirty five years. The findings have been reported this week in the journal Nature. Commenting on the finding, Professor Bill Ding, co-discoverer of the new poos said “I …

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Fossil Record Confirms 5 Dead 3 Injured In Cambrian Explosion

Bristol, UK – In a detailed investigation of the scene, it has been confirmed that a total of five species died and three others were severely injured in what is now known as the Cambrian Explosion. Palaeontologists rushed to the scene and were there within 542 million years. “It was complete carnage in there”, said Palaeontologist Professor Bike Menton “There …

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Bono Showcases New Genome Sequencers, The i-LUMINA 6 and i-LUMINA 6 plus

Bono

San Francisco – Lead singer with the rock band U2, Bono, revealed the latest in genome sequencing technology at a gala event in the Moscone Center in San Francisco, yesterday. The new sequencer comes in two sizes – the i-LUMINA 6 and the i-LUMINA 6 plus, which is a larger format, for scientists whose fingers are too thick to program …

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Genetic Analysis Reveals Royal Baby Will Be Related To Everybody Else

Scientists have confirmed this morning that the second child of Prince William and Kate Middleton will in fact be related through genetics to absolutely everybody else on the planet. “This result has stunned us all”, said geneticist Professor Lucy Fer “However, we have carried out the analysis and it turns out that this result is 100% accurate.” “We are also …

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