Biology

US Government To Officially Recognize GWAS As A Religious Belief

Washington DC – Barack Obama announced today that the United States of America was going to be the first country in the world to officially recognize GWAS as a religious belief. Genome-Wide Association Studies have long been based on a belief system and the practitioners of GWAS are well-known for their loyalty and dedication to their God – the odds …

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Official: Everything Tasty Now Causes Cancer

The world was plunged into a dark, dark place today as the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) Monograph Working Group reported in The Lancet Oncology (DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S1470-2045(15)00444-1) that everything tasty can now be shown to cause cancer. The working group met in October in Lyon, France, the headquarters of the IARC, where all human joy was extinguished as it became clear …

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Report: Human Microbiome “Totally Responsible” for Financial Crisis of 2008

Fancy Microbiome Image

MARYLAND: Researchers in the NIH have traced the 2008 financial meltdown to a pathology involving the gut microbiomes of several executives in the Greedman Zaks bank. It appears that, due to an altered microbiome, the gut-liver-brain-penis axis in those executives was altered, triggering egregious sociopathic behavior. “I’m not sure what exactly happened” said Clayton Endicott-Biggott III, a mid-level executive in the …

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Ecology: Shark Conservation Strategy To Involve Cull Of Australian Surfers

London, UK – The Global Shark Conservation alliance announced today that they had developed a new strategy for the conservation of sharks worldwide. “After the recent spate of attacks on sharks by australian surfers, we are recommending a global cull of surfers”, said spokesperson, Dr. Eaton Wright. “These attacks on innocent hungry sharks are uncalled for and we can no …

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British Genome Survey Finds Genes For Fair Play And Disappointment

The largest ever survey of British genomes has uncovered several genetic variants – called alleles – that are significantly associated with a variety of traits. “We found a great deal of regional variation in British genomes” said one of the scientists involved in the study.  “There was North-South variation and this was strongly associated with northern genomes being enriched in …

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People Who Don’t Care About GWAS “A Threat To Civilization”

Washington DC – American President Barack Obama came out today saying that people that did not care about genome-wide association studies were a threat to our way of life. Sources close to the president said that he is furious about how some people “didn’t seem to care about” and even worse “some do not believe” GWAS studies. Obama stopped short …

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1,000-year-old Onion and Garlic Recipe Completely Kills Romantic Dinner

A 1,000 year old Onion and Garlic recipe, recently found in an ancient textbook has been shown to 100% effective in its ability to kill romantic dinners. Microbiologist, Dr. Duane Pipe, found the ancient recipe in a 9th Century Anglo-Saxon cookbook and thought it would be a nice surprise for his Fiancee Mary. Mary is reported to be less pleased with …

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Study Reveals 95% Reduction In Snobbery From Next-Gen Sequencer Owners Now That They Are So Common

Smug

A study by the Anthropology department at Harvard has shown that in 2014 there was a 95% reduction in snobbery from the owners of next-generation DNA sequencing machines. The study observed owners of sequencing machines while they interacted with other members of faculty. Lead Anthropologist on the study, Dr. Marsha Dimes, spoke to The Allium about the study. “We observed a …

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Kanye West To Publish Own Genome Sequence As “Gift To All Humanity”

Hollywood, CA – Singing legend and husband of adult movie star, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West announced today that he was going to make his genome sequence available as a gift for all humanity. “I believe humanity will be greatly improved by the knowledge that will be gained from my unique genome”, said Mr. West. “Studying genomes is one of my …

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Gay Gene Really An “Annoy The Conservatives” Gene

In a groundbreaking study, published today in Nurture Genetics, it was revealed that the primary function of the “gay gene” was not to foster love and affection between humans of the same sex, but rather its true function is to annoy conservatives. Lead author of the study, Dr. Iona Hymen said today “For years we have known that there was a …

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