Biology

Dermatologist Confirms Trump Has Thinnest Skin Of Any Dictator Ever

Harvard, MA – In response to hysterical demands from the mainstream media (hereafter known as “the media”), who seem to want to know everything about Mr Trump, including whether he is a traitor or spy, a dermatology professor at Harvard confirmed today that President Donald Trump has in fact the thinnest skin of any dictator that has ever lived. “We …

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Scientific community capitulates to Microsoft, officially changes all gene names to dates

The bloody insurgency that has been waged for nearly a decade by molecular biologists against Microsoft over MS Excel’s auto-formatting feature has ended with an unconditional surrender by the biologist camp. Excel’s auto-formatting feature, which is active by default, wreaks havoc on gene names entered into the software, converting them to dates and floating-point numbers. The feature regularly enrages even …

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Illumina To Produce Genome Sequencer For California Market That Is Entirely Gluten Free

Los Angeles – Illumina announced today that their new MiSeq sequencer for the california market is completely Gluten-free, coeliac friendly, was produced organically, is vegan and was allowed to roam freely as a baby sequencer. “We have recognized for a long time that we were not really doing well in the California market”, said Illumina CEO, Jay Tee Flatley. “We …

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Study Confirms That The Wicked Get 63% Less Rest

Oxford, UK – A year-long case-control study has confirmed that The Wicked do in fact get significantly less rest than The Non-Wicked, but contrary to expectations, The Wicked do, in fact, get some rest. Speaking with The Allium, lead scientist on the study Professor Bert Nurney said “We had a very strong null hypothesis initially, which was that there was no significant …

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Wolf Reveals Embarrassment At Finding Out He Is Related To Corgis

A European Grey Wolf revealed today that he was “absolutely mortified” when scientists told him he was in fact related to corgis. “I was like, huh?”, said the wolf in an exclusive interview with The Allium “How can this be possible?” “But the evolutionary biologists showed me a phylogenetic tree and sure enough, there they were on the same tree as …

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Pope Francis To Award Sainthood To All Microbiome Researchers

Vatican City – Pope Francis announced today that he was going to award automatic sainthood to all microbiome researchers worldwide for “Doing God’s Work”. This move, which came as no surprise to anybody, will almost double the number of saints overnight. “The pope has long been a fan of microbiome studies and their power to bring healing and to sooth …

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Report: Nobody Cares About Your Model Organism

National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD – A recent report that has been issued by your entire professional and personal network states that nobody, from top-level scientists and editors at major scientific journal to your advisors or even your own family members, gives a damn about the genetic underpinnings of your favorite model organism. The 472-page report provides an exhaustive, …

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Fears Mount For Evolutionary Biology Cult

Fears are mounting among the scientific community for the sanity of a little-known evolutionary biology cult, known as the “cladistics cult”. In a chilling statement on their website in January they have outlined their dogmas and have indicated their intolerance for other, more pluralistic ideas. In one particularly frightening sentence, that clearly eschews the standards of modern statistical sciences, the cult …

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Dung Beetle A Bit Fed Up With Diet

In an exclusive interview with The Allium, a dung beetle confessed that he was getting a bit fed up with his diet. A four week old Scarabaeus sacer beetle, who wished to remain anonymous, said that his diet of dung for breakfast, dung for lunch and dung for supper was getting a little old. “I would definitely love some stew or …

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US Government To Officially Recognize GWAS As A Religious Belief

Washington DC – Barack Obama announced today that the United States of America was going to be the first country in the world to officially recognize GWAS as a religious belief. Genome-Wide Association Studies have long been based on a belief system and the practitioners of GWAS are well-known for their loyalty and dedication to their God – the odds …

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