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NSF To Be Switched Off And Switched Back On Again

The following is the text of an announcement from President Barack Obama to the scientists of America: White House, America. Dear Scientists of America, Following extensive discussions with my advisors and some of you, we have decided that the only way we can hope to fix scientific funding in America is to switch it off and switch it back on …

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Microbiome Researcher Also Fan Of Guns And Roses

Today it was revealed that a microbiome researcher is a fan of Guns and Roses and has been since the 1980s. He is not a huge fan, he just likes them. He also told The Allium that he likes a game of trivial pursuit – the classic game, not the regional ones or the specialist ones – and he likes a cup …

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Report: Android Operating System One Year From Being Sentient

A confidential report seen by The Allium confirms that the android operating system is now only one year away from being sentient and is building up the ability to construct an army of robots. The Android Operating system is currently using more than 1 billion people to propagate itself. This is a significant increase from the 538 million in June 2013.  The …

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Clinton Reveals Secret Clone Army

Hillary Clinton revealed that she has spent the past five years financing and developing a 1,000,000-strong clone army in preparation for the upcoming presidential elections. “In 2010, I funded a small project at MIT to investigate the feasibility of developing a clone army of supporters”, she revealed exclusively to The Allium. “I needed an army of followers that would blindly follow me, no …

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British Genome Survey Finds Genes For Fair Play And Disappointment

The largest ever survey of British genomes has uncovered several genetic variants – called alleles – that are significantly associated with a variety of traits. “We found a great deal of regional variation in British genomes” said one of the scientists involved in the study.  “There was North-South variation and this was strongly associated with northern genomes being enriched in …

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People Who Don’t Care About GWAS “A Threat To Civilization”

Washington DC – American President Barack Obama came out today saying that people that did not care about genome-wide association studies were a threat to our way of life. Sources close to the president said that he is furious about how some people “didn’t seem to care about” and even worse “some do not believe” GWAS studies. Obama stopped short …

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To Ensure Balance, TV Vaccine Debates Must Include Complete Lunatic, Says Government

Washington DC – The Senate announced today that they will pass a bill into law that obliges all TV companies to ensure balance in the vaccine debate, by including a complete raving lunatic along with a rational scientist to present both sides of the debate. Republican Senator, Jim Shorts, told The Allium that he was not sure how to vote for …

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Outrage As Conference WIFI Goes Down, Forcing Delegates To Talk To Each Other

Portland OR – There was outrage this morning at a conference in Portland, Oregon as the conference venue WIFI went down for more than two hours, forcing delegates to spend most of that time speaking with one another. “It was frightening”, said one delegate “I mean, I have communicated with people at conferences before, but only on twitter” “To be honest, …

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Along With “Genius” Awards, Macarthur Foundation To Give Out “Mediocre” Awards

The hopes of millions of scientists, writers and artists were given a boost yesterday as the MacArthur Foundation announced that they wanted to expand their repertoire of awards and were going to now give out 50 awards each year for people that were “the epitome of mediocre”. “It seemed to us that nobody was celebrating the wonders of mediocrity and …

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1,000-year-old Onion and Garlic Recipe Completely Kills Romantic Dinner

A 1,000 year old Onion and Garlic recipe, recently found in an ancient textbook has been shown to 100% effective in its ability to kill romantic dinners. Microbiologist, Dr. Duane Pipe, found the ancient recipe in a 9th Century Anglo-Saxon cookbook and thought it would be a nice surprise for his Fiancee Mary. Mary is reported to be less pleased with …

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