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Thesis Advisor Just Wondering If You Were Thinking Of Writing Up Soon

Bethesda – In a slightly uncomfortable encounter earlier today, thesis advisor Don Snow nonchalantly asked graduate student Herb Kippling if he was planning on “making a bit of a start” on “the old thesis” any time soon. Dr. Snow felt that he had affected an air of mild paternalistic enquiry, while PhD student, Mr. Kippling has reported that the incident was …

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Torvalds Announces Plans To Change Linux Line Endings To Letter Z

Linus Torvalds, founder of the linux operating system has announced today that he is hoping to change the line endings in linux, so that the letter Z is now going to co-function as a line-ending character. “The letter Z is rarely used, so it can easily serve this dual function”, said Torvalds earlier today when contacted by The Allium. “We have found …

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Post-Doc Honestly Thinks He Is Getting Out Of The Lab Early This Evening

London, UK – Post-doc Marty Graw revealed to The Allium today that he honestly thinks he is getting out of the lab early tonight. “I am absolutely certain of this”, said Dr. Graw, “I couldn’t be more sure of anything.” “I have planned all my experiments today and I know every detail of what I am doing.” “The world is a fair …

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Pharmaceutical Company “Proud To Announce” 100 New Soul-Destroying Jobs

Philadelphia, PA – Global multinational pharmaceutical company Slackso Git-Climb said today that it was proud to announce the creation of 100 new high-value soul-crushing jobs. “These jobs will be secure and we are confident that they will be for life, or even longer”, said spokesperson Dr. Jed Dye. “The pharmaceutical industry is expanding on a daily basis, literally every day and Slackso …

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David Cameron To Place Restrictions On Foreign Science Coming To The UK

British Prime Minister, David Cameron announced today that he was about to publish his plans for restricting the arrival of foreign science in the UK. “Britain has experienced an unsustainable flood of foreign science arriving in the country over the past 20 years and I plan to put an end to it”, said Mr. Cameron. “Right now, we see huge …

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American Universities To Require All New Students To Have Gay Marriage

The Federation of American Universities (FAU) announced Tuesday that they are to introduce a new condition for entry to US universities – that all new students would have to enter into a gay marriage. “We wish to uphold not just the letter of the law, but also its spirit,” said Stanford President John L. Hennessy, spokesperson for the Federation, “and we want to …

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Biomedical Sciences Graduate Lands Dream Job Washing Lab Glassware

New Haven, CT- Recent biomedical sciences major, Crystal Claire Waters reported recently that she has finally found her dream job, washing lab glassware at a pharmaceutical company. Ms Waters told The Allium “I just cannot believe I have been able to land the job of my dreams”. “Since I was a small child, I dreamed of rinsing out graduated cylinders, scrubbing …

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NASA Finds Planet Most Similar To Earth

Houston, TX – NASA reported today that their Kepler space observatory has found a planet that is almost an exact twin of Earth. “We are hugely excited to find a planet that is extremely similar to Earth”, said NASA spokesperson Dr. Hazle Nutt. “We have found that the planet has had a very stable atmosphere for almost 4 billion years, …

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Ecology: Shark Conservation Strategy To Involve Cull Of Australian Surfers

London, UK – The Global Shark Conservation alliance announced today that they had developed a new strategy for the conservation of sharks worldwide. “After the recent spate of attacks on sharks by australian surfers, we are recommending a global cull of surfers”, said spokesperson, Dr. Eaton Wright. “These attacks on innocent hungry sharks are uncalled for and we can no …

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Computer Programming To Be Officially Renamed “Googling Stackoverflow”

Washington DC – The IEEE have produced a report today where they strongly recommend that from now on, the discipline of Computer Programming should be officially renamed to “Googling Stackoverflow”. “We are recommending a root-and-branch name change to this discipline”, said President of the IEEE, Thomas M. Conte.  “We are even going to change the official name of the IEEE Computer Society …

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