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Planet Earth Distraught By Martin Shkreli Arrest

The arrest yesterday, on suspicion of securities fraud of Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli, has done the unthinkable – the entire planet has united in grief for this poor guy. Shkreli made news earlier this year when he introduced an increase in the cost of a life-saving drug, Daraprim, by a mere 5,500%. In Syria, there was a minute’s silence and all factions in …

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Facebook Intern To Donate 99% Of His Wealth To Area Sandwich Shop

Palo Alto, CA – Facebook intern and computer science student, Art Sellers, announced in a facebook status update to his cat earlier today that he was going to donate 99% of his life savings to his favorite sandwich shop at lunchtime today. In the heartwarming story, bound to restore your faith in humanity, Mr. Sellers, outlined how he was going to …

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Trump Proposes Ban On All Microbiome Researchers “Until We Know What They Are Up To”

New York, NY – Donald J. Trump is calling for an immediate ban on all microbiome research “until we can figure out what these guys are up to”. According to Mr. Trump, there are huge sectors of the microbiome community that have a “great hatred” of American poo. In an interview earlier today with The Allium Mr. Trump said that surveys …

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US Government To Officially Recognize GWAS As A Religious Belief

Washington DC – Barack Obama announced today that the United States of America was going to be the first country in the world to officially recognize GWAS as a religious belief. Genome-Wide Association Studies have long been based on a belief system and the practitioners of GWAS are well-known for their loyalty and dedication to their God – the odds …

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Post-Doc Unsure He Will Ever Be Able To Spend His Huge Salary

Post-doc with his money

Post-doc Harry Sachs confirmed to The Allium earlier today that has was not quite sure what he would do with all the money he is earning. “It’s the same every month”, said Dr. Sachs “huge, difficult decisions on how to spend my salary” “I have to ask myself whether I want to buy a Ferrari again or whether I would prefer to …

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USDA Approves Growing of DNA-Free Potatoes

WASHINGTON DC – The United States department of Agriculture has announced its plans to combat hostility to the production of food with an altered DNA content.  They have approved – for the very first time – the cultivation, growth and processing of DNA-free potatoes.  They hope to include all other crops in due course. “In one fell swoop we will …

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Tears Of Joy At Conference As Bioinformaticist Says “I Won’t Go Into Detail Of Algorithm”

WASHINGTON DC – At a human genomics meeting today, there was widespread relief during the fourth talk of the day, when the bioinformaticist that was speaking told the audience “I am not going to go through the details of my algorithm”. Fears had mounted early in the talk as it became clear that the speaker was going to deviate somewhat from the original topic as …

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BREAKING: Facebook To Introduce “Stop F**king Showing Off” Button

MENLO PARK – CA: Facebook Chief Operating Officer (COO) Sheryl Sandberg announced today that for the first time ever, FaceBook is going to change its “like” button so you have the option of clicking a “Stop Fucking Showing Off” button. Speaking to The Allium Ms. Sandberg said “It became increasingly obvious that about 98% of Facebook users were just posting up …

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Skin Color Genes To Be Renamed “Just Arrest Me” Genes

The National Institutes of Health have confirmed this morning that they are to rename all genes that confer a brown-skin phenotype to “Just Arrest Me” genes. Earlier this week budding ninth-grader scientist Ahmed Mohamed assembled a digital clock and brought it to school, whereupon he was immediately arrested for possessing the wrong genes.  The NIH have now decided that certain versions …

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Trump Rips Out, Eats Beating Heart of Climate Scientist. Surges in Polls

Manhattan, New York – In a rally today in downtown New York, attended by 10,000 worshipers, Donald Trump carefully laid a live climate scientist onto a marble slab, before crashing his hand through his chest cavity, ripping out his still-beating heart and eating it live on television. Pollsters have indicated a surge in support for Trump, mostly from undecideds who …

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