No Rest for the Wicked

Study Confirms That The Wicked Get 63% Less Rest

Oxford, UK – A year-long case-control study has confirmed that The Wicked do in fact get significantly less rest than The Non-Wicked, but contrary to expectations, The Wicked do, in fact, get some rest.

Speaking with The Allium, lead scientist on the study Professor Bert Nurney said “We had a very strong null hypothesis initially, which was that there was no significant difference in the rest that was experienced by Wicked and Non-Wicked people”.

“We initiated a case-control study by recruiting siblings where one was significantly more wicked than the other.  Often, we were lucky enough to find a pair of siblings where one was permanently locked in an attic, or they could swivel their head a full 360 degrees.  So this provided us with good phenotyping evidence”.

“We then controlled for environmental factors, such as favoritism from a parent, or if one of the siblings was much uglier than the other, or had an unhealthy interest in evolutionary biology”.

“We provided each test case with a phone app to measure how much each rested.  We analysed the data using logistical regression and a maximum likelihood estimator and also we added up numbers.”

“In the end, what we could conclude that The Wicked got 63% less rest than The Non-Wicked with a p-value of 0.051.”

“Usually, we found that The Wicked really only got rest when they were hiding under your bed, waiting to come out in the middle of the night to stab you in your sleep, or when they were programming in Python.”

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