National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD – A recent report that has been issued by your entire professional and personal network states that nobody, from top-level scientists and editors at major scientific journal to your advisors or even your own family members, gives a damn about the genetic underpinnings of your favorite model organism.
The 472-page report provides an exhaustive, point-by-point rebuttal to your assertion that the basic science is not only warranted, but is in fact interesting.
When reached for comment, NIH scientific spokesman Ray Anderson stated that he was unaware that any institute was currently providing research money to study your favorite organism.
“We’re providing taxpayer money to study that thing? That well has been tapped. It’s fucking dry—not to mention boring. If Congress found out about this… Thanks for bringing this to my attention.”
The damning report details your vain attempts to convince the scientific establishment of your favorite model organism’s importance to the larger scientific goals of genetics and genomics, noting that query letters to all the major scientific journals have gone unanswered and several editors have asked to “unsubscribe from this newsletter.”
The report further shows that even among your own family nobody can be bothered to care about the Gs, Cs, Ts, and As of your favorite model organism. At a recent get-together family members were seen going slack-jawed, focusing on a point at infinite distance behind you, their drinks dribbled down their chins, while you blathered on about how your favorite model organism may provide clues to cure cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer’s, strokes, aging, rheumatoid arthritis, venous thromboembolisms, or any other sexy condition you could think of, as well as potential breakthroughs to alleviate aspects of the human condition like addiction, heartbreak, and ennui.
Even your own adviser scoffs at your excitement, noting that “the only people that seem to care at all are the small group of grumpy undergrad interns, which [you] call friends.”
The report concludes that you should consider another organism—any organism really—except for fucking zebrafish.
*Send in by a fan who wishes to remain anonymous. Obviously.