Fancy Microbiome Image
Fancy Microbiome Image

Report: Human Microbiome “Totally Responsible” for Financial Crisis of 2008

MARYLAND: Researchers in the NIH have traced the 2008 financial meltdown to a pathology involving the gut microbiomes of several executives in the Greedman Zaks bank. It appears that, due to an altered microbiome, the gut-liver-brain-penis axis in those executives was altered, triggering egregious sociopathic behavior.

“I’m not sure what exactly happened” said Clayton Endicott-Biggott III, a mid-level executive in the bank.

“Our usual place was full, so we decide to slum it, and go to Baco Tell. Three days later, after we got over the diarrhea, without thinking we all spontaneously met in Conference Room C, and started talking about how we can screw the 99%.”

“There is no doubt that it was not our fault.  It was our microbiomes”.

Recent experiments in rats have confirmed that ingredients known to be present in the Chunky Taco Supreme cause an alteration of the normal ratio of bacterial groups known as Firmicutes and Bacteroidetes, making the rats aggressive and prone to robbing their cage mates of food and water.

Prof. Rob Bishop from the University of California, San Diego has commented, saying: “We knew for a long time that most human behavior can be explained by microbiome alteration. This is just another aspect, although quite radical”.

“I am, however, somewhat skeptical of the use of rats to model bank executives, given that rats are much nicer”.

As a result of the study, authorities in the Security and Exchange Commission are working closely with NIH to avert a future microbiome-induced financial crisis. One idea is to use emergency fecal transplants gathered from the populace whenever this problem seems to occur.

“People have been taking shit from banks for years”, said a source at the SEC “it’s time to give some back”.


(This report was compiled by an avid reader, who wishes to remain anonymous – Prof.)

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