Official: Everything Tasty Now Causes Cancer

The world was plunged into a dark, dark place today as the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) Monograph Working Group reported in The Lancet Oncology (DOI: that everything tasty can now be shown to cause cancer.

The working group met in October in Lyon, France, the headquarters of the IARC, where all human joy was extinguished as it became clear that the consumption of processed meats – specifically, items like amazing sausage, smoked pork and most disappointing of all, bacon, can be unequivocally shown to cause colorectal cancer and there is a strong association with other cancers including pancreatic cancer and prostate cancer.

“We were afraid this day would finally arrive”, said spokesperson for the meat-lovers association of Great Britain, Mr. Biff Wellington, “this is indeed a dark day for all people with broken veins on their cheeks”.

Naturally, the report has sparked off a series of ludicrous scare-tactic newspaper headlines across the world, where the consumption of processed meat is being compared to smoking in terms of its cancer-causing powers.  However, the report, when read by anybody with half a brain, says nothing of the kind, so the world is being warned to pay no attention to headline-grabbing, over-the-top, emotive, click-bait articles, on this dark, dark day for humanity.

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