Fears Mount For Evolutionary Biology Cult

Fears are mounting among the scientific community for the sanity of a little-known evolutionary biology cult, known as the “cladistics cult”.

In a chilling statement on their website in January they have outlined their dogmas and have indicated their intolerance for other, more pluralistic ideas.

In one particularly frightening sentence, that clearly eschews the standards of modern statistical sciences, the cult have written “If alternative methods are also used […] the author should defer to the principles of the society”.

A well-known evolutionary biologist has told The Allium that he was reading the manifesto while having a beer and it made the froth come shooting out his nose.

A spokesperson for the cult has said that one of their heroes is Conan O’Brien, American talk-show host, who has inspired them with his words of wisdom to resist the “pig-dog liberal pluralists” – O’Brien has, in the past, said “When all else fails, there’s always delusion”.

“Such wonderful, wise words”, said the spokesperson “we will be following them to the letter”.

When all else fails, there’s always delusion – Conan O’Brien

In support of their ultra-modern stance, the manifesto cites two scientific papers: one from thirty-three years ago and one from fifty-one years ago.

However, observers were left scratching their heads in wonder at one of the stand-out sentences in the manifesto “The absence of certain truth represents a philosophical limit of empirical science.”

Err. Yes.

The spokesperson for the cult has said that they are considering which paradigm to endorse next.  It is thought to be a close contest between the Scala naturae and the Quinary system.

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